ORANGE OVERLORD DEMANDS TRIBUTE: TECH GIANTS MUST PAY HIM 15% OF ALL SALES TO CHINA OR FACE ROYAL TANTRUM
In a move that has economists reaching for both calculators and anxiety medication, President Trump has evolved beyond mere import tariffs to demanding a cut of export sales, establishing what experts call “a mafia-style protection racket but with executive orders.”
GOLDEN TOILET DIPLOMACY
Apple CEO Tim Cook arrived at the White House last week bearing gifts that would make medieval vassals proud: a glass plaque on a 24-karat gold base, reportedly inscribed with “Please Don’t Destroy Our Company, Pretty Please.” White House insiders claim Trump immediately asked if the gold could be melted down to add another layer to his bathroom fixtures.
“I just love American-made products,” Trump allegedly said while caressing the gold base. “Almost as much as I love getting a piece of the action from companies making money in countries I don’t like this week.”
ECONOMIC EXPERTS PREDICT TOTAL SH!TSHOW
The administration’s new deal with Nvidia demanding 15% of certain AI chip sales to Chinese companies has left economists speechless, which is quite an achievement considering economists are professionally obligated to have opinions about everything.
“This is f@#king unprecedented,” said Dr. Cassandra Collapse, head economist at the Institute for Obvious Financial Disasters. “Traditionally, countries tax imports, not exports. It’s like demanding a commission on your neighbor’s garage sale because the buyer drove through your driveway.”
Professor Hugh Jass of the Wharton School of Economics added, “Remember when pirates demanded tribute for safe passage? Same concept, but with more golf and less scurvy.”
WHITE HOUSE DEFENDS “GENIUS” PLAN
White House spokesperson Spinny McTwisterson defended the move: “The President is simply ensuring America gets its fair share. Why should companies make billions selling to our competitors without the government getting a taste? It’s basically patriotism with a convenience fee.”
According to a completely fabricated poll, 73.8% of Americans support the idea “as long as it only applies to tech companies and people richer than me.”
THE ART OF THE STEAL
Industry analysts fear this could establish what they’re calling a “dangerous as hell precedent” where foreign countries might retaliate with their own export taxes, creating a global economic game of chicken played by people who don’t understand basic economics.
Meanwhile, sources close to the president claim he’s already compiling a list of other industries from which he’d like a cut, including “hamburgers, golf balls, and anything with my name slapped on it in gold letters.”
In related news, Tim Cook was seen leaving the White House muttering, “Maybe we should’ve made that base out of lead” while frantically texting the Apple board to discuss moving headquarters to literally anywhere else.
At press time, Trump was reportedly asking his advisors if he could also get 15% of everyone’s birthday money “because presidents used to be on all the bills anyway.”
