MAN DELETES 57,000 EMAILS TO SAVE OCEANS, ACCIDENTALLY SOLVES GLOBAL WATER CRISIS
In a desperate attempt to follow the UK government’s baffling new water conservation advice, local IT manager Brian Watkins spent his entire weekend deleting his Gmail backlog, inadvertently ending the global water shortage and making himself redundant in one fell swoop.
THE GOVERNMENT’S LATEST BRILLIANT F@#KING IDEA
The UK government, apparently having solved all other pressing national issues like the housing crisis and the NHS waiting times, has turned its laser-focused attention to the real enemy: your unread newsletters from Bed Bath & Beyond. Officials suggest deleting emails could conserve water used by data centers, a claim that has water scientists choking on their H2O.
“Every email you keep wastes enough water to hydrate approximately one-sixteenth of an ant’s left leg,” claimed Lord Dampsworth, the newly appointed Minister of Pointless Digital Conservation. “We must all do our part by immediately deleting those holiday photos from 2017 that you’ll definitely never look at again.”
EXPERTS RESPOND WITH BARELY CONTAINED RAGE
Dr. Reality Check, professor of Not Being A Complete Dumbass at Oxford University, had to be physically restrained when shown the government’s recommendation.
“Sweet motherf@#king christ on a pogo stick,” Dr. Check explained while breathing into a paper bag. “Storing an email uses about one-thousandth of a milliliter of water PER MONTH. You’d need to delete roughly 100,000 emails to save enough water to flush your toilet ONCE.”
Professor Facepalm from the Institute of Are You Kidding Me Right Now added, “This is like trying to solve obesity by trimming your fingernails. It’s so spectacularly missing the point that it’s actually impressive.”
PUBLIC TAKES ADVICE TO HEART, CHAOS ENSUES
Despite the scientific community’s collective aneurysm, some citizens have embraced the advice with terrifying enthusiasm. Neighborhood watch captain Margaret Penders, 67, deleted her entire digital existence, including crucial medical appointments and her grandson’s birth certificate.
“I’ve saved at least two drops of water,” she proudly declared from her garden, where she was inexplicably watering her plants during a rainstorm. “That’s two more drops than the lazy millennials next door who keep all their fancy Netflix emails.”
SHOCKING STATISTICS THAT WE DEFINITELY DIDN’T MAKE UP
According to our completely legitimate research:
– 89% of government officials couldn’t explain how email storage actually works
– The average Brit wastes more water taking a single sh!t than their entire digital footprint will use in 700 years
– 100% of water scientists considered changing careers after reading the government’s advice
– Deleting one email saves exactly the same amount of water as thinking really hard about a desert
WHAT’S NEXT? GOVERNMENT CONSIDERS OTHER BRILLIANT WATER-SAVING TACTICS
Sources within Whitehall reveal the government is already working on follow-up recommendations, including “blink less to conserve eye moisture” and “consider becoming a mummy to reduce your body’s water content by up to 75%.”
At press time, the Department of Completely Missing The Point was reportedly drafting advice on how citizens could reduce their carbon footprint by trimming their actual footprints with nail scissors, one millimeter at a time.
