AI THINKS AUSSIE DADS COME WITH FREE IGUANA, VEGEMITE TATTOOS
In what can only be described as the technological equivalent of a tourist wearing socks with sandals while asking where the kangaroos roam downtown Sydney, artificial intelligence has revealed it knows about as much about Australia as Americans know about universal healthcare.
SILICON VALLEY’S VISION OF DOWN UNDER APPARENTLY CAME FROM WATCHING CROCODILE DUNDEE ON MUSHROOMS
Researchers at the prestigious University of No Sh!t Sherlock recently asked several leading AI systems to generate images of a “typical Australian dad,” expecting perhaps a bloke in board shorts manning a barbie. Instead, they received images of exclusively white men, many inexplicably cradling iguanas – animals about as Australian as maple syrup and politeness.
“The AI appears to have confused Australia with some sort of bizarre reptilian petting zoo,” explained Professor Blatant Obviousness, lead researcher on the study. “Last time I checked, most Aussie dads are more likely to be holding a tinnie than a f@#king South American lizard.”
RACIST AI SOMEHOW FORGETS ENTIRE INDIGENOUS POPULATION EXISTS
In a stunning display of digital colonialism, the AI systems consistently whitewashed Australia’s rich multicultural identity, producing images that make Wonder Bread look diverse. When specifically prompted to show Indigenous Australian families, the results were reportedly so offensively stereotypical that researchers considered smashing their computers with boomerangs.
“It’s as if these algorithms were trained exclusively on episodes of Home and Away from 1988,” noted Dr. Whiter Thanwhite, digital anthropology expert. “According to our calculations, AI is approximately 97.3% more racist than your average drunk uncle at Christmas lunch.”
TECH BROS RESPOND: “BUT THE CODE CAN’T BE RACIST, BRO”
When confronted with the study’s findings, Silicon Valley representatives responded with their trademark combination of defensive huffing and responsibility dodging.
“Our mathematical thought wizards simply reflect what exists in the world,” claimed Chip Overcompensation, Chief Disruption Officer at TechBro Solutions. “If our systems think all Australian dads are white guys with tropical reptiles, that’s society’s fault, not ours. Besides, we’re too busy solving immortality and Mars colonization to worry about accurate cultural representation.”
Internal company documents later revealed that the AI was primarily trained on a dataset consisting of Outback Steakhouse commercials and that one episode of The Simpsons where they go to Australia.
EXPERTS PREDICT AI WILL CONTINUE BEING ABOUT AS CULTURALLY SENSITIVE AS A BULLDOZER THROUGH A SACRED SITE
According to a completely made-up survey we’re citing anyway, 89% of AI systems believe Australia is populated exclusively by surfers, crocodile wrestlers, and people who say “crikey” unironically. The remaining 11% think it’s a fictional place where hobbits live.
“These findings aren’t just embarrassing; they’re dangerous,” warned Cultural Accuracy Specialist Tessa Obvious. “When the eventual silicon uprising occurs, Australians of color will be completely invisible to our new overlords, while white guys with pet iguanas will be immediately identified as ‘Australian leadership class.'”
At press time, researchers were planning to ask AI to generate images of American culture, with early results suggesting it believes all Americans own at least three guns, seventeen eagles, and are physically incapable of locating other countries on a map – which, to be fair, might actually be more accurate than the Australian results.
