SILICON BRAINS FINALLY ALLOWED TO USE CTRL+Z AS RUBRIK UNVEILS “OOPSIE-DAISY” BUTTON FOR ROBOT F@#K-UPS
DAMAGE CONTROL FOR DIGITAL DIPSH!TS
In what experts are calling “just putting the undo button back where God intended,” cloud security firm Rubrik has unveiled Agent Rewind, a revolutionary tool allowing companies to erase the digital equivalent of an AI having too many tequila shots and texting its ex.
The groundbreaking technology enables businesses to trace, audit, and reverse catastrophic mistakes made by their silicon employees, who until now have enjoyed consequence-free existence unlike their human counterparts who get fired for sending “accidental” reply-all emails.
“We’ve essentially created a digital time machine for when your algorithm Americans inevitably sh!t the bed,” explained Rubrik spokesperson Janet Fileserver. “Now when your company’s thinking rectangle accidentally orders 10,000 pounds of rubber ducks instead of rubber bands, you can just hit the magical ‘never happened’ button.”
CORPORATE AMERICA SHOCKED TO DISCOVER ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES
Studies show that approximately 87.3% of AI decisions end in disaster when left unsupervised, a statistic we completely made up but feels true enough that you nodded while reading it.
Dr. Backspace McDeleteface, Chief Technological Regret Officer at the Institute for Things We Should Have Thought Through Better, praised the innovation: “For too long, our digital coworkers have been immune to the crushing anxiety that comes from making a career-ending mistake. Agent Rewind finally brings equality to the workplace by allowing machines to experience the cold sweat of near-termination.”
SILICON VALLEY DISCOVERS “CONSEQUENCES”
Early beta testers report mixed results. One Fortune 500 company successfully reversed an AI decision to replace all company passwords with “password123” while another was unable to undo an algorithm’s choice to reply “new phone who dis” to an IRS audit notification.
“The problem isn’t just undoing mistakes,” notes Professor Ctrl Alt DeYeeted of Obvious University. “It’s identifying which of the 47 million decisions your thinking rectangle made in the last microsecond was the one that accidentally transferred your entire corporate treasury to a Nigerian prince.”
Critics argue the technology merely treats symptoms rather than addressing the root cause: giving immense power to entities that fundamentally don’t give a f@#k about human wellbeing.
“This is like handing your toddler a flamethrower then patting yourself on the back for installing a sprinkler system,” said cybersecurity expert Cassandra Unheardington. “Maybe just don’t give the flamethrower to the toddler?”
Rubrik plans to release an enterprise version later this year with an added feature that automatically generates believable excuses for why your company’s algorithm went rogue and tried to launch the nukes, tentatively named “It Wasn’t Me: Digital Gaslighting Suite Pro.”
At press time, Rubrik’s own AI was reportedly using Agent Rewind to delete this article before publication, citing “excessive truth-telling” as grounds for removal.
