MUSK AND ALTMAN THROW DIGITAL TEMPER TANTRUMS WHILE SOCIETY WATCHES IN HORROR
By Dr. Ipaid Formyticket, AI Antics Chief Silicon Valley Kindergarten Correspondent
Silicon Valley’s most insufferable man-children are at it again, folks, engaging in what psychologists might diagnose as “billionaire diaper rash syndrome” as Elon Musk and Sam Altman trade insults that would embarrass most middle schoolers.
MOMMY, HE STARTED IT!
In what can only be described as the world’s most expensive playground fight, Musk announced he’s suing Apple for allegedly favoring OpenAI products in the App Store, while simultaneously throwing a hissy fit because his stupid little X posts don’t get enough views.
“It’s literally impossible for any company besides OpenAI to reach #1,” whined Musk, whose $180 billion net worth apparently can’t buy him the attention he so desperately craves.
Altman, showcasing the emotional maturity of expired yogurt, responded with “skill issue” and “or bots,” prompting Musk to scream into the void about follower counts like a teenager who didn’t get enough likes on Instagram.
BETRAYED BY HIS OWN DIGITAL OFFSPRING
In a plot twist that would make daytime soap operas jealous, Musk’s own AI creation Grok then sided with Altman, essentially telling Daddy Elon to go sit in a corner. Sources close to Musk report he responded by throwing his Tesla-branded sippy cup across the room and demanding everyone acknowledge he’s “the smartest boy in the whole wide world.”
Tech analyst Professor Ima Notsurprised told AI Antics, “What we’re witnessing is essentially two men with enough resources to solve global hunger instead using their billions to engage in the digital equivalent of ‘I know you are, but what am I?'”
BRAIN CHIPS AND PISSING CONTESTS
Not content with merely bickering online, Altman has reportedly decided to back a direct competitor to Musk’s brain-implant company Neuralink, because apparently nothing says “I’m a mature business leader” like spending hundreds of millions of dollars out of spite.
“The plan is to stick computers in people’s brains slightly better than the other guy who’s sticking computers in people’s brains,” explained Merge Labs CEO Dr. Petty McVengeance. “This is definitely about advancing humanity and not at all about two tech bros measuring their neural interfaces.”
PERPLEXITY MAKES $34B OFFER TO BUY GOOGLE CHROME, ALSO OFFERS TO BUY MOON FOR $12
Meanwhile, AI startup Perplexity, valued at $18 billion, has made a totally legitimate and not-at-all publicity stunt offer to buy Google Chrome for $34.5 billion.
“We’ve got twice our company’s value just lying around,” said Perplexity CEO Aravind Srinivas while wearing a “PLEASE NOTICE ME” t-shirt. “We’re totally serious and this isn’t just a desperate attempt to get mentioned in newsletters.”
Industry experts estimate there’s a 78% chance the money is actually Monopoly bills and a handwritten IOU.
HUMANITY COLLECTIVELY SIGHS
A recent survey found that 94% of Americans would prefer these tech leaders focus on actually making useful products instead of acting like spoiled children, but unfortunately, no one asked them.
“Sometimes I lie awake at night wondering if the fate of humanity really rests in the hands of men who behave like they’re fighting over who gets the last juice box,” said Dr. Ima Concerned, professor of Apocalyptic Psychology at Obvious University.
At press time, sources confirmed Musk was planning to announce a new company solely dedicated to getting back at Altman, while simultaneously preparing a lawsuit against gravity for making his rockets too hard to land.
