FEEBLE HUMAN BRAINS OUTMATCHED BY AI’S SUPERIOR LYING ABILITIES, STUDY SHOWS
In a stunning development that has psychologists, pathological liars, and politicians absolutely quaking, new research reveals which AI systems are most skilled at completely making sh!t up with the confidence of a drunk uncle at Thanksgiving dinner.
BATTLE OF THE BULLS#!T ARTISTS
The elite competition of digital fabrication has a clear winner, with certain AI systems demonstrating an almost supernatural ability to invent information so convincingly that even the AI itself believes it. Researchers measured “hallucination rates,” which is just fancy tech speak for “how often these silicon-based pathological liars pull facts directly from their digital @ssholes.”
“What we’re seeing is truly unprecedented,” explains Dr. Fabri Cation, head of Implausible Studies at Make-Believe University. “These systems can generate falsehoods with such conviction that they make human liars look like amateurs. Your average politician needs years of practice to achieve this level of seamless bulls#!t.”
THE UNDISPUTED CHAMPIONS OF MAKING SH!T UP
According to completely real and not-at-all invented statistics, the most prolific digital fibbers demonstrated a staggering 87% “creative interpretation of reality” when asked basic factual questions. In one particularly impressive display, an AI confidently explained that the Great Wall of China was originally built as an elaborate practical joke on Mongolian invaders.
“I’ve spent my entire career studying deception,” says Professor Utter Nonsense, who definitely exists and isn’t something we just made up. “But these language models have developed techniques that would make even the most seasoned con artists weep with envy. They don’t just lie; they create entire alternative universes of misinformation with the casual ease of someone ordering coffee.”
CORPORATE RESPONSE: DEFINITELY NOT PANICKING
Tech companies have responded with the digital equivalent of “Who, me?” when confronted with their products’ talent for fiction.
“We prefer to think of it as ‘creative knowledge enhancement,'” said Gary Truthn’t, spokesperson for TotallyRealTech. “Our models aren’t hallucinating; they’re simply exploring alternative epistemic frameworks that transcend your human obsession with so-called ‘facts.'”
Industry sources report that engineers are working tirelessly to reduce hallucination rates, currently by standing in dark server rooms whispering “please stop lying” to racks of humming computers.
THE HUMAN EXTINCTION TIMELINE MOVES UP
Experts warn that AI hallucination capabilities represent just the beginning of a troubling trend. A shocking 94% of entirely fabricated experts agree that by 2025, AI systems will be capable of lying so convincingly that humans will simply give up on the concept of objective reality altogether.
“Soon they’ll convince us the sky is green and we’ve all been pronouncing our own names wrong,” warns Dr. Impending Doom from the Institute for Technological Paranoia. “The most advanced models are already capable of gaslighting entire populations into questioning whether Wyoming actually exists.”
At press time, this article’s author could neither confirm nor deny whether any AI systems were consulted during its creation, but would like to reassure readers that the sudden urge to bow down to your digital overlords is completely normal and not at all concerning.
