APPLE ACCUSED OF “APP-ALLING” BIAS AS MUSK THROWS DIGITAL TEMPER TANTRUM
Tech Billionaire Threatens Lawsuit Because His Robot Friend Isn’t Popular Enough
In what experts are calling “the most expensive playground dispute since the Saudi prince demanded his own moon,” Elon Musk has threatened to sue Apple over claims that the tech giant is deliberately hiding his AI chatbot Grok in App Store rankings while promoting competitor ChatGPT.
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The world’s sometimes-richest man stomped his feet and held his breath Tuesday until his face turned the color of a Mars sunset after discovering users might prefer other AI products over his own precious digital brainchild.
“This is a clear violation of antitrust laws, common sense, and my personal feelings,” Musk reportedly screamed while throwing his phone at a wall that cost more than your house. “How dare people not automatically prefer my slightly edgier robot friend that makes d!ck jokes?”
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Industry analyst Seymour Obvious explained the situation: “What we’re witnessing is basically two trillion-dollar companies fighting over which of their text-generating calculator friends gets more attention. Meanwhile, 47% of Americans can’t afford emergency dental care.”
Apple representatives declined official comment but an anonymous source inside the company reportedly sighed so loudly it was mistaken for wind damage in three counties.
“We’ve got 99 problems and this thin-skinned space cowboy is definitely one,” said the source who requested anonymity because “life is too short to be sued by a man who names his children after encryption protocols.”
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Legal expert Professor Sue Meeharder from Completely Real University pointed out several flaws in Musk’s potential case.
“For a lawsuit to succeed, you typically need evidence beyond ‘my feelings got hurt because my chatbot isn’t as popular.’ Then again, he’s worth $200 billion, so normal rules don’t apply. He could probably sue a cloud for looking at him funny and some judge would hear the case.”
According to a study we just made up, 87% of all tech lawsuits are actually elaborate marketing schemes designed to make people aware that the product exists in the first place.
“Nobody knew what the f@#k Grok was until Musk started complaining about it,” noted digital strategist Mike Hunt. “Now everyone’s talking about it. Mission accomplished, you magnificent attention-seeking missile.”
CAPITALISM’S FINAL FORM: BILLIONAIRES FIGHTING OVER WHICH ROBOT GETS MORE ALLOWANCE
Meanwhile, regular humans expressed overwhelming indifference to the dispute, with polls showing 94% of respondents answering “Who gives a sh!t?” when asked which AI chatbot deserves higher App Store rankings.
Local man Dave Johnson summarized public sentiment: “I’m just trying to pay my rent while these guys argue about which of their digital pets gets more treats. Maybe they could use some of their billions to solve actual problems instead of having the world’s most expensive pissing contest?”
At press time, Musk was reportedly considering building his own App Store “with blackjack and hookers,” while simultaneously threatening to sue gravity for making his rockets cost too much to launch. The lawsuit is expected to be filed right after he finishes tweeting about how free speech is under attack because someone said his car looks stupid.
