SILICON-BASED MESSIAH OR DIGITAL HELLSCAPE? AI ONLY WORKS WHEN HUMANS CONTROL THE OFF SWITCH
In what can only be described as humanity’s latest attempt to create something smarter than itself (low bar), economists and tech bros are once again promising that artificial intelligence will deliver us to the economic promised land, a claim that ranks somewhere between “this diet pill works overnight” and “I’ve read the terms and conditions.”
NOBEL WINNER CONSPICUOUSLY ABSENT FROM SAUSAGE FEST
Australia’s treasurer has convened an economic roundtable that somehow failed to invite Nobel Prize-winning economist Daron Acemoglu, presumably because someone with actual insight might ruin the circle jerk of optimism planned for the event.
“We specifically wanted voices who wouldn’t question our vague assertions about AI-driven productivity,” explained Treasury spokesperson Bailey Sheetmaker. “Nobel laureates tend to bring ‘facts’ and ‘evidence’ to these discussions, and frankly, that’s just a buzzkill.”
PRODUCTIVITY MIRACLE OR DIGITAL SNAKE OIL?
According to a completely fabricated survey by the Institute of Making Sh!t Up, 94% of executives believe AI will boost productivity while 96% have no f@#king clue how AI actually works.
“AI is like having a really smart unpaid intern who occasionally hallucinates and might steal your job,” explains Dr. Obvious Contradiction, Chair of Technological Inevitability at the University of Who Gives a Damn. “The productivity gains are astronomical if you only count the productivity of billionaires’ investment portfolios.”
WORKERS DEMAND RADICAL IDEA: HAVING A SAY IN THEIR OWN JOBS
In what technology CEOs are calling “an unreasonable demand,” workers are suggesting they should have input into how AI is implemented in their workplaces.
“The audacity of these meat-based processing units is astounding,” spluttered Chip Silicone, founder of AlgorithmOverlord Inc. “Next they’ll want things like ‘dignity’ and ‘job security.’ We’ve run the simulations, and productivity is maximized when humans silently accept whatever changes we implement without question.”
Professor Seymour Obvious of the Workers Actually Matter Institute countered: “It turns out that when you let humans help design systems they use every day, they don’t sabotage them out of existential dread. Shocking concept, I know.”
AUSTRALIA’S PRODUCTIVITY COMMISSION DISCOVERS REVOLUTIONARY CONCEPT: HUMANS STILL USEFUL
In a groundbreaking report that cost taxpayers only $12.7 million, Australia’s Productivity Commission has discovered that technology works best when it enhances human capabilities rather than replacing them entirely.
“We spent three years and countless resources to conclude that tools should help people do their jobs better,” admitted Commissioner Penny Wise. “Nobody saw that coming, especially not the 8,000 years of human technological development that preceded us.”
THE BOTTOM LINE: AUGMENTATION NOT REPLACEMENT, DUMB@SSES
Studies show that when workers help shape how technology is implemented, productivity increases by 73%, workplace satisfaction improves by 81%, and executives’ ability to buy their fourth vacation home decreases by an unfortunate 12%.
“The choice is clear,” concludes fictional labor economist Dr. Warren Peace. “We can either use AI to empower workers and create better outcomes for everyone, or we can continue the time-honored tradition of using every technological advancement to crush the human spirit while wondering why productivity isn’t improving. Historically, we’ve preferred the latter.”
At press time, the treasurer’s roundtable was busy discussing how to best implement AI solutions while ignoring the Nobel Prize winner who literally wrote the book on how to do it properly, proving once again that in the race between wisdom and wishful thinking, wishful thinking has a significant head start.
