MAN WITH ACCESS TO NUCLEAR CODES CALLS COMPANY MAN’S CAREER PATH “AMAZING STORY” AFTER PREVIOUSLY DEMANDING HIS UNEMPLOYMENT
President Trump, America’s Commander-in-Tweet, performed yet another gold-medal-worthy mental gymnastics routine Monday when he praised Intel CEO Lip-Bu Tan as an “amazing story” just weeks after demanding the executive be fired faster than the President’s own campaign staff turnover rate.
PRESIDENTIAL WHIPLASH SENDS NATION TO CHIROPRACTOR
In what doctors are calling “the most severe case of political about-face syndrome” ever recorded, Trump’s 180-degree reversal on Tan has left White House staffers scrambling to determine which version of reality they should acknowledge this week.
“The President has always supported Lip-Bu Tan’s incredible journey,” insisted White House spokesperson Liza Blatantly, while simultaneously deleting the President’s previous tweets calling for Tan’s immediate termination. “Any suggestion otherwise is fake news manufactured by people who hate success and microchips.”
INTEL CEO RESPONDS WITH CONFUSION, CONCERN
When reached for comment about the President’s newfound admiration, Tan reportedly stared blankly at reporters for 47 seconds before asking, “Is this some kind of f@#king joke?”
According to sources close to the Intel executive, Tan has established a new corporate response protocol titled “Operation Presidential Amnesia” designed to handle Trump’s rapidly shifting opinions faster than one of Intel’s own processors.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON TRUMP’S MEMORY ISSUES
“What we’re seeing is a textual demonstration of goldfish-level retention capability,” explains Dr. Obvious Conclusion, head of Political Psychology at Make-Believe University. “The President’s ability to completely forget his own strongly worded public statements makes him either the most forgiving person in history or someone with the attention span of a TikTok video.”
Studies indicate approximately 94.7% of Americans now suffer from “Trump Whiplash Syndrome,” a condition where citizens can no longer remember what the President supported or opposed as recently as last Tuesday.
CABINET TO MEET WITH TAN DESPITE CONFUSION
Trump announced his Cabinet will meet with Tan next week, though 72% of Cabinet members reportedly had to Google who Tan was and why they might be meeting him.
“We’re very excited about this meeting that may or may not happen depending on the President’s mood and Twitter activity between now and then,” said one Cabinet member who requested anonymity because “I honestly have no f@#king idea what’s going on anymore.”
NATION CONSIDERS MASS ADOPTION OF GOLDFISH MEMORY AS COPING MECHANISM
In response to the President’s latest contradiction, millions of Americans are now investigating the benefits of short-term memory loss.
“I’ve started hitting myself in the head with a small rubber mallet every morning,” explains Ohio voter Frank Bewildered. “It makes following politics much easier when you can’t remember what happened yesterday.”
White House insiders confirm Trump will likely call for Tan’s resignation again by Thursday before naming him “America’s Greatest Business Genius” by the weekend, forcing the entire nation to once again pretend this is all completely normal behavior for the leader of the free world.
