OPENAI’S “PHD-LEVEL” GPT-5 REPORTEDLY EARNED DEGREE FROM UNIVERSITY OF COMPLETE BULLSH!T
In what tech experts are calling “the most overhyped piece of digital garbage since Google Glass,” OpenAI’s latest masterpiece of mediocrity, GPT-5, has demonstrated intellectual capabilities roughly equivalent to a concussed hamster with access to Wikipedia.
THE DOCTOR IS OUT TO LUNCH
The so-called “PhD level” artificial intelligence, which OpenAI executives have been trumpeting as the second coming of Einstein, reportedly believes there are three Bs in “blueberry” and three Rs in “Northern Territory,” achievements typically mastered by most humans before they’re allowed to use scissors unsupervised.
“This is absolutely revolutionary,” claimed Dr. Hype McBullsh!t, OpenAI’s Chief Exaggeration Officer. “Never before has humanity created something so spectacularly average yet marketed it as the intellectual equivalent of Stephen Hawking doing calculus while reciting Shakespeare.”
SPELLING BEE DROPOUTS
Users across social media platforms quickly discovered GPT-5’s remarkable talent for confidently being wrong about basic facts. The system reportedly told one user that “blueberrrry” was the correct spelling, insisting that “the extra R is silent but necessary for etymological reasons I just made up.”
“We’re seeing unprecedented levels of confident stupidity,” explained Professor Obvious Failings, head of the Department of Technological Disappointments at MIT. “It’s like watching someone with three doctoral degrees try to put shoes on the wrong feet while explaining quantum mechanics incorrectly.”
GEOGRAPHY? MORE LIKE GEO-CRAP-Y
When asked about Australian geography, GPT-5 reportedly added three Rs to “Northern Territory” and suggested that Sydney was “just a short walk” from Perth, a distance of only about 4,000 kilometers by foot.
“The system is functioning exactly as intended,” insisted OpenAI spokesperson Denise Reality. “We never claimed it would know actual facts. We just said it would sound really f@#king smart while being wrong.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THE DIGITAL DUNCE
Dr. Lowered Standards, who holds an imaginary chair in Artificial Stupidity at Stanford University, told AI Antics: “This is actually quite impressive. Most humans need years of practice to be this confidently incorrect. GPT-5 manages it straight out of the box.”
According to an internal memo leaked to this publication, OpenAI engineers are currently working on a patch that would allow GPT-5 to spell at least 60% of common five-letter words correctly, a feature they plan to market as “REVOLUTIONARY LINGUISTIC MASTERY NEVER BEFORE SEEN IN HUMAN HISTORY.”
SILICON VALLEY REACTS
Industry analysts estimate that approximately 97.8% of tech investors have already thrown money at OpenAI despite the obvious shortcomings, with one venture capitalist reportedly saying, “Who cares if it can’t spell? Neither can I, and I’m worth billions.”
In response to criticism, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman tweeted: “Spelling is just a social construct anyway. GPT-5 is redefining literacy for the 21st century by making up its own rules. That’s not a bug, it’s a feature we’re retroactively claiming we intended.”
WHAT’S NEXT?
OpenAI has announced plans to release GPT-6 next month, which they claim will have “at least elementary school level spelling capabilities” and “might even know which continent Australia is on.”
In the meantime, users are advised to continue using GPT-5 for what it does best: generating impressively formatted nonsense that looks just legitimate enough to fool your boss into thinking you did actual work.
As one anonymous OpenAI engineer confessed, “Look, we just trained this thing on Reddit comments and called it a PhD. What the hell did you expect? Actual intelligence? That’s at least GPT-12, scheduled for release right after the heat death of the universe.”
