MICROSOFT AND OPENAI ANNOUNCE REVOLUTIONARY PARTNERSHIP TO ENSURE YOU NEVER ESCAPE THEIR ECOSYSTEM
Desperate Tech Giants Unveil ‘Open’ AI Models That Are About As Open As North Korea’s Border Policy
In what industry insiders are calling “the most transparent attempt at monopolistic behavior since Zuckerberg bought his competitors for lunch money,” Microsoft and OpenAI have proudly announced that OpenAI’s allegedly “open” models are now available exclusively through Microsoft’s Azure AI Foundry, a platform specifically designed to keep you locked in their ecosystem until the heat death of the universe.
THE DEFINITION OF “OPEN” APPARENTLY CHANGED WHEN WE WEREN’T LOOKING
The new “open source” models, collectively known as “gpt-oss,” come with the minor caveat that you’ll need to sell your digital soul to Microsoft’s cloud services to use them. This revolutionary approach to openness has been compared to calling a maximum-security prison an “open-concept living arrangement.”
“What we’ve done here is truly groundbreaking,” explained Satya Nadella, Microsoft CEO, while attempting to high-five Sam Altman who pretended not to notice. “We’ve taken the concept of ‘open’ and completely f@#king redefined it to mean ‘available exclusively through our proprietary platform for a substantial fee.'”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, SOMEHOW KEEP STRAIGHT FACES
Dr. Freida Marketshare, professor of Monopolistic Tendencies at the University of Corporate Dominance, explained the brilliance of the strategy. “By slapping the word ‘open’ on something that requires Microsoft’s permission, payment, and platform to access, they’ve created what we in the business call a ‘total bullsh!t scenario’ that somehow still works on investors.”
Industry analyst Rich Cashflow noted that the partnership represents “the digital equivalent of putting a public park inside a locked private country club and charging a $10,000 membership fee to enter, but hey, once you’re in, the park is totally free!”
DEVELOPERS THRILLED TO HAVE YET ANOTHER SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE
The announcement has been met with overwhelming enthusiasm from developers who were reportedly “just not spending enough money on cloud services already.”
“I’m absolutely thrilled,” said software engineer Terry Codesmith, whose blinking pattern appeared to spell out “HELP ME” in Morse code. “Now I can build, test, and deploy applications using these ‘open’ models for the low, low price of my firstborn child and approximately 87% of my development budget.”
A recent survey showed that 94% of developers were “excited” about the announcement, with the margin of error being “everyone we surveyed works for Microsoft or OpenAI.”
THE FINE PRINT REQUIRES ELECTRON MICROSCOPE TO READ
According to sources who managed to decode the terms of service using quantum computing techniques, the “open” models come with certain limitations, such as: you can’t use them to compete with Microsoft or OpenAI, criticize Microsoft or OpenAI, or think negative thoughts about Microsoft or OpenAI.
“The models are completely open source,” insisted OpenAI spokesperson Clara Contradictions. “You can look at all the code! You just can’t actually run it without paying Microsoft. It’s like how oxygen is free, but we’ve decided you need to buy our special proprietary lungs to breathe it.”
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR THE FUTURE OF HUMANITY
Tech analyst and professional cynic Janet Skeptical predicts this partnership marks the beginning of a new era: “By 2025, expect Microsoft and OpenAI to announce that they’ve open-sourced human consciousness, which will be exclusively available through a premium tier of Microsoft Teams.”
As of press time, Google was reportedly scrambling to announce their own “open” models that would only be accessible through seventeen different deprecated Google products and a YouTube Premium subscription.
In related news, actual open-source developers were last seen banging their heads against their keyboards, which experts say is the most efficient way to generate code that isn’t owned by a trillion-dollar corporation.
