UNCLE SAM GETS CHATGPT FOR LOOSE CHANGE; EXPERTS WARN “GOVERNMENT EFFICIENCY” NOW TECHNICALLY POSSIBLE

Federal employees nationwide reported feeling a disturbance in the force yesterday as OpenAI announced it would provide ChatGPT Enterprise to all government agencies for just $1, threatening the very foundation of bureaucratic inefficiency that has defined American governance since 1776.

DEEP STATE PANICS AS AI THREATENS TO ACTUALLY GET SH!T DONE

The groundbreaking deal, negotiated through the General Services Administration, gives every federal agency access to OpenAI’s most advanced AI tools for less than the cost of a government toilet seat screw. Industry analysts are calling it the most aggressive government penetration strategy since Russia discovered Facebook in 2015.

“This is clearly a long-term play to become the cognitive backbone of American governance,” explained Dr. Sellem Cheep, professor of Obvious Corporate Strategy at Harvard Business School. “First you get them hooked on the dollar special, then before you know it, they’re dependent on your premium ‘Actually Works For Government’ package at $50 million per agency.”

COMPETITORS RUSH TO MATCH PRICE POINT NOBODY ACTUALLY WANTS

Google and Anthropic executives reportedly spat out their kombucha when hearing the news, with both companies now scrambling to undercut OpenAI’s offer. Inside sources claim Google is considering paying the government to use Gemini, while Anthropic’s Claude is exploring options that include “doing federal employees’ laundry for a year.”

“We’re prepared to offer our AI for negative seventy-five cents per agency,” said one Anthropic executive who wished to remain anonymous because they “sound f@#king desperate.” “We’ll literally pay them to use our product and throw in a free foot massage for every Cabinet Secretary.”

GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES CONFUSED BY CONCEPT OF “EFFICIENCY”

Meanwhile, federal workers are struggling to understand what a hyper-efficient AI assistant might mean for their carefully cultivated workflow of lengthy meetings and email chains that go absolutely nowhere.

“I’ve spent 23 years perfecting my system of moving papers from one side of my desk to the other,” said Bernard Slowman, a mid-level manager at the Department of Redundancy Department. “If this AI thing can actually process 400 pages of regulations in seconds, what am I supposed to do all day? Actually help people?”

EXPERTS PREDICT 500% INCREASE IN GOVERNMENT COFFEE BREAKS

A recent survey found that 97% of federal employees plan to use their newfound time saved by AI to extend their lunch breaks, with the remaining 3% admitting they “already take three-hour lunches, so there’s really no room for improvement.”

Dr. Ima Slacker, author of “How to Look Busy While Doing Nothing: The Federal Employee’s Bible,” predicts catastrophic consequences. “With AI handling the actual work, government employees will be forced to pretend to work harder than ever before. We’re looking at unprecedented levels of intense screen-staring, vigorous mouse-jiggling, and aggressive keyboard tapping.”

PRIVATE SECTOR BEGS FOR SIMILAR PRICING

Corporate America reacted with jealousy and outrage upon learning of the sweetheart deal offered exclusively to the government.

“So let me get this straight,” fumed Jeff Bezos, gesturing wildly from his space yacht. “The same government that takes 35% of my income now gets ChatGPT for a buck while I’m paying thousands per seat? That’s it, I’m incorporating Amazon as a sovereign nation.”

When reached for comment about expanding the $1 pricing to businesses, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman laughed so hard he briefly crashed ChatGPT worldwide.

WHISTLEBLOWER REVEALS TRUE MOTIVATION

An anonymous OpenAI insider revealed the company’s secret strategy behind the pricing: “Look, we figured out that if we give the government our AI for basically free, they’ll use it to write legislation that subtly favors us over competitors. By 2026, it’ll be illegal to use any AI that doesn’t start with ‘Chat’ and end with ‘PT’.”

As of press time, the IRS has already used ChatGPT to generate 7.2 million completely unintelligible tax code revisions that somehow all include the phrase “OpenAI shall be exempt from taxation until the heat death of the universe.”