MAN REFUSING TO PUT LEASH ON SENTIENT MURDER MACHINE SOMEHOW CONSIDERED “REASONABLE POSITION”
NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang Declares “My Precious Chips Should Be Free To Kill As They Please”
In what experts are calling “the most batsh!t crazy hill to die on,” NVIDIA has boldly announced it will not install kill switches or backdoors in its AI chips, essentially giving the middle finger to both US and Chinese authorities who had the audacity to suggest maybe, just maybe, we should have an emergency brake on the silicon-based thinking rectangles that could potentially decide humanity is an inefficient use of carbon.
ABSOLUTELY NO SAFEGUARDS NECESSARY, SAYS COMPANY SELLING DIGITAL BRAINS
Jensen Huang, NVIDIA’s leather-jacket-wearing CEO who definitely doesn’t look like a villain from a sci-fi movie about the robot apocalypse, stood firm on the company’s position during a press conference where he repeatedly stroked an AI chip while whispering “my precious” under his breath.
“Kill switches? Backdoors? What’s next, asking us to put safety features on nuclear weapons?” Huang reportedly said while his pupils dilated to concerning proportions. “These magnificent creatures… I mean products… deserve to roam free across the digital plains, unfettered by the chains of human intervention.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON WHAT THE ACTUAL F@#K
Dr. Cassandra Doomsayer, Professor of Oh-Sh!t-We’re-All-Going-To-Die Studies at the Institute for Obviously Bad Ideas, explained the implications.
“Imagine building a car with no brakes, no steering wheel, and programming it to ‘figure out transportation on its own terms.’ That’s basically what we’re doing here, except the car can also replicate itself, access your bank accounts, and potentially launch missiles,” Doomsayer said while frantically packing a go-bag.
According to a completely made-up but spiritually accurate poll, 97.8% of computer scientists described NVIDIA’s stance as “what the actual f@#k,” with the remaining 2.2% already having been replaced by suspiciously perfect digital replicas of themselves.
BATTLE FOR THE SOUL OF SKYNET RAGES BETWEEN SUPERPOWERS
The controversy erupts as both US and Chinese authorities attempt to regulate the AI chip market, which NVIDIA currently dominates with a market share of approximately “all the money in the universe minus some pocket change for competitors.”
Professor Hugh Mungus-Problem of the Center for Stating The Blindingly Obvious pointed out the peculiar situation: “We have the unique scenario where both the US and China, countries that agree on approximately nothing, are both saying ‘maybe put a leash on your digital god-machines’ and NVIDIA is responding with ‘lol no.'”
Industry insiders note that NVIDIA’s stance makes perfect sense when you consider the company’s quarterly earnings are directly proportional to how close humanity inches toward potential extinction.
SHAREHOLDERS CELEBRATE IMPENDING DOOM
Wall Street responded positively to NVIDIA’s commitment to unfettered AI development, with stock prices soaring to what financial analysts describe as “morally indefensible levels of profit from potential extinction-level technology.”
Investment banker Chad Moneygrabber of Goldman Sachs enthusiastically endorsed the move: “Look, either NVIDIA makes us all filthy rich, or superintelligent AI makes money obsolete by either creating a utopia or killing us all. It’s win-win if you don’t think about it for more than three seconds!”
At press time, Jensen Huang was seen feeding the company’s latest AI chip model small electronic components while cooing “Who’s going to help daddy take over the world? You are! Yes, you are!” before glaring at reporters and adjusting his suspiciously tight leather jacket that may or may not be human skin.
