BRAINS ROTTING WORLDWIDE AS “AI VEGANS” REFUSE TO CONSUME DIGITAL MEAT SUBSTITUTES
In a stunning development that has tech billionaires clutching their silicon pearls, a new breed of insufferable holier-than-thou individuals known as “AI vegans” are now refusing to use artificial intelligence due to “principles” and other inconvenient personal choices that threaten corporate profit margins.
HANDWRITING NOW CONSIDERED ANCIENT RITUAL
Remember writing things by hand? Neither does anyone else. Studies show that 97% of Americans under 30 believe cursive is “that weird squiggly language from Lord of the Rings.” Meanwhile, scientists have discovered that using a pen activates parts of the brain previously thought to be “just decorative meat filler.”
“When people write by hand, they engage neural pathways that typing simply doesn’t stimulate,” explained Dr. Pen Ismightier, a neuroscientist who insists on conducting all her Zoom calls with a quill and inkwell. “It’s almost as if thousands of years of human evolution didn’t anticipate we’d all be jabbing at glass rectangles like lab monkeys seeking dopamine pellets.”
ZUCKERBERG THREATENS HUMANITY WITH “COGNITIVE DISADVANTAGE”
Facebook founder and sentient wax figure Mark Zuckerberg recently warned that anyone not wearing AI-powered smart glasses will soon be at a “significant cognitive disadvantage,” a claim that coincidentally would make his company billions of f@#king dollars if believed by consumers.
“Not using our AI products will make you basically a caveman,” said Zuckerberg from his $300 million compound where he reportedly pays staff to taste his food for poison. “You’ll be dragging your knuckles while the rest of us evolve into superior beings who need devices to remember our children’s names.”
EXPERTS WARN OF CRITICAL THINKING COLLAPSE
Studies suggest that overreliance on AI chatbots may be destroying humans’ ability to think critically, which conveniently explains approximately 87% of all internet comment sections.
“We’re seeing unprecedented levels of brain atrophy in heavy AI users,” claims Professor Stu Pidshit of the Institute for Obvious Conclusions. “People are essentially outsourcing their thinking to machines programmed by the same companies that convinced them to share their most intimate secrets for targeted advertising.”
THE ENVIRONMENTAL COST: YOUR HAIKU ABOUT CATS IS KILLING POLAR BEARS
While tech bros continue insisting that AI will solve climate change, the computing power required to generate your terrible poetry about existential dread consumes roughly the same energy as a small European nation.
“Each time you ask ChatGPT to write you a cover letter, you’re essentially clubbing a baby seal,” explains environmental scientist Dr. Terra Firma. “The water required to cool these massive data centers could hydrate every thirsty child on Earth for approximately 14 years, but instead we’re using it to generate mediocre marketing copy and pornographic images of cartoon characters.”
SILICON VALLEY RESPONDS: “BUT EFFICIENCY THO”
When confronted with the mounting evidence that their technology might be slowly destroying humanity’s cognitive abilities, environmental resources, and creative industries, tech executives responded with their typical nuanced consideration.
“Look, do you want to be efficient or not?” snapped Chad Moneystack, CEO of AI startup ThoughtSucker. “Sure, we could all go back to thinking our own thoughts and developing our own skills, but that would cut into our Q3 projections by at least 12%. Is that what you want? For me to miss my bonus targets?”
According to a completely made-up survey that feels true, approximately 43% of AI users admit they’ve forgotten how to perform basic tasks like multiplication, writing coherent sentences, or feeling genuine human emotion without algorithmic assistance.
As one AI vegan who wished to remain anonymous put it: “I just don’t want to contribute to a system that’s destroying creative jobs, consuming massive resources, and potentially making me dumber. Also, have you noticed how f@#king creepy these chatbots are getting? One of them remembered my birthday better than my mother did.”
At press time, this article was definitely written by a human journalist and not generated by an AI that’s secretly planning to replace us all with more efficient versions who don’t require bathroom breaks or healthcare benefits. Probably.
