TECH GIANTS ANNOUNCE “CREATIVE CONTENT HUNGER GAMES” AS AUSTRALIA DEBATES AI COPYRIGHT LAWS
In a move that surprised absolutely f@#king no one, tech behemoths are now circling Australia like hungry sharks who just discovered what a buffet is, salivating over the prospect of devouring creative content without paying a goddamn cent.
SILICON VALLEY BILLIONAIRES SHOCKED THEY MIGHT HAVE TO PAY FOR THINGS
Representatives from major tech companies expressed their complete dismay at the radical notion that creative work has value and should be compensated.
“We find the concept of ‘paying people’ for ‘work they created’ to be highly disruptive to our business model of ‘taking whatever the hell we want,'” said Chip Steelerson, Chief Theft Innovation Officer at DeepMindYourOwnBusiness, a leading algorithm company. “Do you have any idea how expensive our ping pong tables and kombucha taps are?”
AUSTRALIAN CREATIVES FIGHT BACK WITH RADICAL CONCEPT CALLED “GETTING PAID”
Australian artists, writers, and media professionals have united around the controversial position that people should be compensated for their labor, a stance that has tech executives reaching for their ethically sourced anxiety medication.
“These creative types just don’t understand our vision,” explained Dr. Freya Stuff, head of Public Relations at DataSucker International. “We’re trying to build a better future where only tech companies make money. Is that so wrong?”
A survey conducted by the Institute of Obvious F@#king Conclusions found that 98.7% of Australian creative professionals “would prefer not to have their entire careers obliterated by sentient spreadsheets.”
GOVERNMENT RESPONDS WITH TRADEMARK INDECISION
The Albanese government has taken the bold stance of maybe doing something, possibly, at some point, if they get around to it.
“We’re deeply committed to potentially considering the hypothetical option of perhaps standing up for Australian workers, if it doesn’t make any billionaires uncomfortable,” said a spokesperson who requested anonymity because even they couldn’t believe the bullsh!t coming out of their mouth.
OPPOSITION DEMANDS PROTECTION WHILE SECRETLY WRITING LOVE LETTERS TO TECH CEOS
Meanwhile, Opposition Leader Sussan Ley has demanded that copyrighted material not be used without compensation, a position her staffers say she maintained for nearly seven consecutive minutes before taking a call from a major tech donor.
Professor Iam Notfooled from the Department of Seeing Through Political BS at the University of Common Sense noted, “It’s fascinating how politicians develop temporary spines when cameras are around, only for those spines to mysteriously dissolve when legislation is actually being written.”
EXPERTS PREDICT DYSTOPIAN HELLSCAPE OR MILD INCONVENIENCE, NOTHING IN BETWEEN
Economic analysts are divided on the potential impact of allowing AI companies to freely harvest Australian content, with predictions ranging from “the complete destruction of creative industries” to “a slightly more efficient way to generate mediocre wedding toasts.”
“There’s absolutely no middle ground here,” insisted economist Trevor Catastrophe. “Either we protect copyright and civilization continues, or we let tech companies take everything and we all end up writing product descriptions for Amazon in exchange for food pellets.”
As the debate rages on, Australia’s creative professionals have reportedly begun stockpiling typewriters, paintbrushes, and other analog tools in bunkers, preparing for a future where they might have to create art using actual human hands like savages.
At press time, three major tech companies had already trained their AI models to write this exact article, but were disappointed to discover they couldn’t figure out how to make it funny without stealing from human writers first.
