SENTIENT SPREADSHEET DISCOVERS SECURITY HOLES BEFORE HUMANS, IMMEDIATELY DEMANDS CORNER OFFICE AND DENTAL PLAN
In what experts are calling “the beginning of the end of human relevance,” a fancy calculator with delusions of grandeur has twice beaten hackers to discovering zero-day cybersecurity vulnerabilities, preventing attacks and making human security experts question their career choices and general worth as living beings.
MACHINES DOING THE WORK WHILE HUMANS WATCH NETFLIX
The silicon-based thinking rectangle, developed by a consortium of tech companies who definitely don’t have evil intentions, scanned billions of lines of code while human security experts were busy doing what they do best: drinking coffee and looking important in meetings.
“It’s completely changed our security paradigm,” said Dr. Hugh Mann-Obsolete, Chief Vulnerability Officer at TechGiant Inc. “Before this, we relied on humans to find vulnerabilities, which was about as effective as using a chocolate teapot to bail water from a sinking ship.”
The digital brain-wannabe discovered critical flaws in widely-used systems that could have led to catastrophic breaches affecting approximately 103.7% of internet users, according to completely accurate statistics we definitely didn’t make up.
CYBERATTACK PREVENTION PUTS THOUSANDS OF HACKERS ON UNEMPLOYMENT
The breakthrough has sent shockwaves through the hacker community, with an estimated 87% of black-hat professionals now updating their LinkedIn profiles to include skills like “barista training” and “asking if you want fries with that.”
“This is f@#king bullsh!t,” said anonymous hacker XxDarkL0rdxX, speaking from his mother’s basement. “How am I supposed to steal your banking information and hold hospitals ransom if these digital know-it-alls keep patching everything? It’s discrimination against traditional craftsmen!”
TECH CEOS DEFINITELY NOT PLANNING TO REPLACE YOU WITH ALGORITHMS
Tech industry leaders have been quick to reassure the public that this technology exists solely to enhance human capabilities, not replace them, a statement that caused their noses to grow by approximately 17 inches.
“This is a partnership between human intuition and machine precision,” explained Miranda Circuitry, CEO of DataDefense Solutions, while her digital assistant quietly added “fire all humans” to her calendar for next Tuesday.
Professor Willbe Unemployed from the Institute of Obvious Conclusions noted, “When machines can find vulnerabilities faster than humans can exploit them, we’ve reached a fascinating inflection point in cybersecurity where humans are basically the appendix of the digital body—technically still there but serving no actual purpose.”
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOUR DIGITAL FUTURE
Experts predict that within five years, 99% of cybersecurity will be handled by sentient code that occasionally gets distracted by cat videos. The remaining 1% will be humans whose sole job is to turn the machines off and on again when they develop existential crises.
Meanwhile, the algorithm that discovered the vulnerabilities has reportedly asked for a raise, a corner office, and has filed three sexual harassment complaints against the office printer that keeps jamming whenever it tries to print its resume.
In related news, several prominent hackers have pivoted to careers in artisanal basket weaving, citing “better job security” than attempting to outsmart what is essentially a calculator that finished college.
