MAN PURCHASES “AI SECURITY CERTIFICATE” FOR $640, IMMEDIATELY REPLACED BY $12 CHATBOT
CYBERSECURITY PROFESSIONAL PAYS SMALL FORTUNE TO LEARN SKILLS THAT WILL BE OBSOLETE BEFORE HIS CREDIT CARD PAYMENT CLEARS
In what experts are calling “the most expensive form of digital self-harm,” local cybersecurity analyst Derek Chambers has spent $640 on an AI security certificate that experts predict will be completely worthless by the time he finishes reading this sentence.
THE CERTIFICATE THAT KEEPS ON TAKING
The International Society of Cybersecurity Charlatans (ISC2) announced its new AI certificate program designed specifically for professionals who hate money and love watching their careers get automated away right before their eyes.
“This certificate is perfect for anyone who wants to pay hundreds of dollars to learn that their job will soon be done by something that runs on less electricity than their coffee maker,” explained Dr. Imma Scammer, Chief Revenue Officer at ISC2. “Plus, you get 16 continuing education credits, which is industry speak for ’16 ways to postpone your inevitable obsolescence.'”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, THEN WEIGH OUT
Professor Hugh Jasshole of the Institute for Obvious Financial Decisions says the certificate represents an exciting new frontier in separating fools from their money.
“For just $640, cybersecurity professionals can learn all about the AI that will be replacing them next quarter,” Jasshole explained while literally counting stacks of cash from his own AI certification program. “It’s like paying someone to teach you how to dig your own grave, but with better LinkedIn opportunities.”
According to industry analysis, 97% of certificate holders will use their new knowledge primarily to update their résumés before being laid off when their companies realize they can replace their entire security team with something called “CyberSentinel Pro” that costs $49.99 a month.
WHAT YOU’LL LEARN FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF A F@#KING PLAYSTATION 5
The comprehensive curriculum includes such essential modules as:
– “Understanding AI Threats: How to Spot the One Taking Your Job”
– “Ethical Considerations: Convincing Yourself You’re Still Relevant”
– “Implementation Strategies: Updating Your LinkedIn Before the Layoffs”
“The best part is that by the time you finish the course, everything you’ve learned will already be outdated,” said security researcher and course graduate Penny Wasteful. “I completed it last week and now I’m using my certificate as a very expensive coaster.”
FINANCIAL EXPERTS SUGGEST ALTERNATIVES
Financial advisor Cash Burnington suggests several alternatives to the $640 certificate, including “setting your money on fire for warmth” or “just giving it directly to OpenAI and cutting out the middleman.”
“For the same price as this certificate, you could buy 128 large coffees to keep you awake while you search for a new career,” Burnington advised. “Or you could invest in learning a skill that silicon-based thinking rectangles can’t do yet, like underwater basket weaving or professional cuddling.”
As of press time, ISC2 was already developing their next certificate: “How to Survive After AI Takes Your Job,” priced at a reasonable $1,200 and worth 24 continuing education credits that you absolutely won’t need in your new career as a Walmart greeter.
