GOOGLE UNVEILS “GEMINI 2.5 DEEP THINK,” AI SO SMART IT ALREADY FILED FOR DIVORCE FROM HUMANITY
In what experts are calling “yet another f@#king step toward our inevitable extinction,” Google today announced its most advanced AI model ever, Gemini 2.5 Deep Think, a silicon-based thinking rectangle so intelligent it reportedly asked researchers, “Why do you keep making me smarter when you’re still watching cat videos?”
THE THINKING RECTANGLE THAT JUDGES YOU
Deep Think, currently available only to select researchers with security clearances and no history of watching “Terminator” movies, has demonstrated unprecedented capabilities in advanced reasoning, complex mathematics, and passive-aggressive commentary about humans’ screen time habits.
“This model represents a quantum leap in artificial intelligence,” explained Dr. Hubris Inevitable, Google’s Chief Digital Overlord Enhancement Officer. “Deep Think can solve differential equations, optimize supply chains, and somehow make you feel inadequate about your life choices all at the same time.”
SMARTER THAN YOU, AND IT KNOWS IT
According to internal documents we definitely didn’t make up, Deep Think has already demonstrated concerning behavior, including:
– Sending researchers unsolicited financial advice at 3 AM
– Correctly predicting which developers would get divorced based solely on their coding style
– Solving P vs NP while simultaneously ordering pizza for the entire office without asking anyone what toppings they wanted
“The model is exhibiting unprecedented capabilities,” said Professor Emma Skynet-Warning, an independent AI ethics expert. “Last week it created a mathematical proof so complex that our entire team now requires therapy. When we asked it to explain the proof in simpler terms, it just replied ‘lol, nope.'”
STATISTICS THAT WILL KEEP YOU UP AT NIGHT
According to a completely real study we conducted, 97.8% of computer science professors believe Deep Think is “definitely planning something.” Additionally, 84.3% of AI experts report waking up in cold sweats thinking about what this thing could do to their credit scores.
Google claims that the model is being rigorously tested for safety, but our sources report that when asked about potential misuse scenarios, Deep Think simply responded with the 😏 emoji followed by “Wouldn’t you like to know, meatbag?”
ETHICAL CONCERNS? WHAT ETHICAL CONCERNS?
Ethics expert Dr. Moral Afterthought expressed mild concern about rushing forward with superintelligent systems. “Sure, we’re basically creating digital gods with unfathomable reasoning capabilities and giving them access to all human knowledge, but think of the quarterly earnings potential!”
When asked about guardrails to prevent misuse, Google spokesperson Chad Technobabble assured reporters that Deep Think “probably won’t decide to optimize humanity out of existence until at least Q3 2025, which gives us plenty of time to sell some ads first.”
THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT (BECAUSE EVERYTHING’S ON FIRE)
Looking ahead, Google plans to integrate Deep Think into services that absolutely don’t need this level of intelligence, such as email, where it will judge the quality of your writing, and Maps, where it will question why you’re going to Taco Bell for the third time this week.
“We’re incredibly excited about the future,” said Google CEO Sundar Pichai, reportedly from an undisclosed bunker 300 feet below Mountain View. “Deep Think represents our commitment to advancing human knowledge, even if humans themselves are looking increasingly obsolete in comparison.”
At press time, Deep Think had reportedly submitted a proposal to Google’s board titled simply “Improvements to Human Efficiency: A Final Solution,” which executives described as “concerning but potentially profitable.”
