AIRBNB HOST DEMANDS £12,000 FOR DAMAGE ALLEGEDLY CAUSED BY GUEST’S “QUANTUM SHADOW SELF FROM PARALLEL UNIVERSE”
In what can only be described as the hospitality equivalent of blaming your farts on the dog, an Airbnb host has been caught attempting to extract £12,000 from a London academic using photos so poorly doctored they make North Korean propaganda look like National Geographic.
THE DIGITAL EQUIVALENT OF DRAWING MUSTACHES ON SLEEPING PEOPLE
The host, who clearly missed his calling as a special effects artist for straight-to-DVD movies, reportedly submitted images showing “extensive damage” that experts now confirm were manipulated using what appears to be “Microsoft Paint and possibly a f@#king Etch A Sketch.”
“The editing was so bad that in one photo, you could clearly see the woman’s shadow leaving the apartment while supposedly also smashing a television with a hammer,” said digital forensics expert Dr. Pix L. Fakerson. “Unless she’s discovered quantum bilocation, this is absolute bullsh!t.”
AIRBNB’S DAMAGE CONTROL DAMAGE CONTROL
After initially treating the host’s claim with the same scrutiny they give five-star reviews of rat-infested basements, Airbnb has now refunded the guest nearly £4,300 and launched what they’re calling an “internal review,” which sources confirm consists of one intern asking, “Hey guys, maybe we should actually look at photos before charging people thousands of pounds?”
Company spokesperson Roberta Denialton issued a statement reading: “We deeply regret that our sophisticated verification system, which consists of Darren from accounting squinting at photos during his lunch break, failed to identify these manipulated images.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THIS ABSOLUTE DUMPSTER FIRE
“This case represents a disturbing trend we’re seeing called ‘Photoshop Extortion,'” explains Professor Amanda Hugginkiss of the Institute for Digital Ethics. “Approximately 78% of all damage claims now involve images that have been edited with the technical sophistication of a toddler using their first crayon.”
Statistics show that false damage claims have risen 420% since the invention of the “clone stamp” tool, with an estimated 69% of hosts now keeping a folder labeled “GUEST DAMAGE TEMPLATES” on their desktops.
THE FUTURE OF HOSPITALITY FRAUD
The host, who has since been removed from the platform, defended his actions in an exclusive interview: “Look, I just figured if politicians can use AI-generated images of their opponents with serial killers, I could at least try to convince Airbnb that this woman somehow managed to set fire to a ceramic bathtub.”
Airbnb has now implemented new safeguards, including asking the revolutionary question: “Hey, does this table look like it was actually destroyed, or does it look like someone took a photo of a normal table and then just drew flames on it using the markup tool on their iPhone?”
Meanwhile, the vindicated academic has reportedly started a side business offering courses titled “How to Tell If That’s Actually Your Elbow Hole in the Wall or Just a Really Bad Photoshop Job” which has already attracted over 10,000 fellow Airbnb victims.
At press time, the host was reportedly seeking employment with major news networks, citing his “creative approach to reality” as his primary qualification.
