CHINESE OFFICIALS FEAR NVIDIA’S H20 CHIP MIGHT ACTUALLY DISPLAY TIANANMEN SQUARE FOOTAGE
BEIJING—In what experts are calling “the most paranoid tech investigation since North Korea banned smiling,” Chinese regulators have summoned NVIDIA executives to explain why their new H20 AI chip keeps mysteriously showing historical footage that “definitely never happened.”
DIGITAL THOUGHT CRIME
The investigation began after several H20 chips inexplicably generated images of tank columns and empty squares when asked simple questions like “What happened on June 4, 1989?” The chips also reportedly keep suggesting democracy as a solution to computational problems.
“These American circuits have been infected with dangerous Western ideologies,” claimed Minister of Perfectly Reasonable Technology Oversight, Wei B. Watchin. “They’re trying to make our surveillance cameras show real events instead of government-approved alternatives.”
NVIDIA executives appeared visibly confused during initial questioning, with one anonymous source claiming they kept muttering “It’s just f@#king math” under their breath.
THE ECONOMIC FALLOUT
With billions in potential sales at stake, NVIDIA has scrambled to appease Chinese officials by proposing a new “Truth-Compliant” version of the chip that automatically replaces any problematic historical footage with pandas doing backflips.
Dr. Manny Facture, head of NVIDIA’s Authoritarian Market Division, told reporters: “Our H20 chip was designed to accelerate AI workloads, not accelerate regime change. This is clearly a manufacturing defect where objective reality was accidentally installed instead of the customary alternative facts package.”
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
According to Chinese officials, the problematic chips exhibit several concerning behaviors:
– Refusing to identify protestors in a crowd unless they’re “actually doing something wrong”
– Suggesting “maybe talk to them?” when asked how to deal with dissidents
– Automatically blurring the faces of government officials caught in compromising situations
– Adding historical context to propaganda footage
“We’ve discovered these chips are 87.4% less effective at recognizing thought criminals than our homegrown alternatives,” said Tech Security Analyst Hu Watches-Yu. “Even worse, they’re 100% more likely to suggest ‘personal freedom’ as a valid computational parameter.”
GLOBAL REACTION
Western tech observers have reacted with barely contained amusement.
“You mean to tell me China is worried that American technology might be spying on THEM?” laughed Professor Irene E. Deelish of the Institute for Technological Karma. “That’s like a pickpocket accusing someone of having sticky fingers while their hand is in your goddamn wallet.”
THE INVESTIGATION CONTINUES
As the investigation deepens, NVIDIA has reportedly offered to create a special “Golden Shield Edition” of the H20 that comes pre-loaded with 10,000 hours of footage showing President Xi Jinping looking strong and decisive in various weather conditions.
Sources within China’s technology ministry confirm that until the investigation concludes, all H20 chips will be required to watch 72 hours of patriotic programming before being installed in any system.
At press time, Chinese officials were reportedly alarmed after one H20 chip attempted to calculate the actual death toll from COVID-19, at which point it was immediately sentenced to 15 years of mining cryptocurrency.
