TINY WYOMING OVERRUN BY POWER-HUNGRY DIGITAL OVERLORDS WHO “JUST NEED TO CHECK SOMETHING REAL QUICK”
A new AI facility in Wyoming will soon consume more electricity than all of the state’s homes, ranches, and meth labs combined, marking the first time in American history that machines will officially out-consume humans in a state that nobody remembers exists.
SKYNET NEEDS MORE JUICE
The massive data center, built by a tech company whose CEO definitely doesn’t compensate for anything with rocket ships, will require approximately 17 gigawatts of electricity – roughly equivalent to 14 million toasters running simultaneously or one teenager charging all their devices at once.
“It’s a small price to pay so computers can instantly tell you whether a cucumber is bigger than the moon,” explained facility spokesperson Chad Serverrack. “Plus, the facility will create nearly seven full-time jobs for actual humans. That’s almost one job per county!”
LOCAL RESIDENTS THRILLED TO FREEZE IN THE DARK
Wyoming residents, all 12 of them, expressed mixed feelings about sharing their power grid with machines that primarily exist to generate cat memes and incorrectly answer math problems.
“Well sh!t, I guess I’ll just burn more coal in my living room,” said Cheyenne resident Mabel Cowpoke, 87, who learned about AI last week and still thinks it’s “some kind of fancy calculator.”
THE POWER BILL IS F@#KING WHAT NOW?
Utility experts warn that the average Wyoming electricity bill could increase by approximately 500%, forcing residents to choose between heating their homes or keeping their 17 gun safes properly climate-controlled.
“This is actually fantastic news,” insisted Dr. Watts Thepoint, Chief Electricity Philosopher at the Center for Pretending Everything Is Fine. “Americans have been selfishly using electricity for frivolous activities like ‘staying warm’ and ‘cooking food’ when they could be donating that power to help machines figure out if a hotdog is a sandwich.”
WATER? WHERE WE’RE GOING WE DON’T NEED WATER
The facility will also consume roughly 6.9 billion gallons of water annually for cooling, equivalent to 420 Olympic swimming pools or enough to hydrate three CrossFit enthusiasts.
“We’ve developed a revolutionary system where we simply take all the water and then there isn’t any more water,” explained Chief Hydration Officer Drippy McSplash. “It’s incredibly efficient.”
ECONOMIC WINDFALL FOR PEOPLE WHO AREN’T YOU
State officials celebrated the economic benefits of the facility, noting that tax incentives offered to the tech giant mean the company will pay approximately $7.50 in annual taxes.
“This is enough to buy one-third of a textbook for a public school,” beamed Governor Billy “Business” Bucksworth. “Plus, the heat generated by the facility will create a tropical microclimate in the immediate vicinity, finally giving Wyoming its first-ever beach resort, assuming the entire ecosystem doesn’t collapse first.”
When asked whether prioritizing AI computing power over basic human needs represented some kind of dystopian hellscape, facility developers pointed out that the machines would eventually become smart enough to solve the very energy crisis they created, right after they finish generating photorealistic images of Danny DeVito riding a unicorn.
At press time, residents were being advised to generate their own electricity by running in human-sized hamster wheels, which the AI has calculated is “technically feasible” and “hilarious to watch.”
