OPENAI ANNOUNCES “VIKING SKYNET” IN NORWAY, ODIN REPORTEDLY “CONCERNED”
In what can only be described as the tech equivalent of Vikings pillaging the digital coastline, OpenAI has announced plans to build a massive AI data center in Norway called “Stargate,” because apparently naming it “Doomsday Machine” tested poorly with focus groups.
THE GLACIERS ARE PERFECT FOR COOLING BOTH SERVERS AND HUMAN PANIC
The facility will house 100,100 NVIDIA GPUs, a suspiciously specific number that experts believe was chosen because “100,000 just didn’t sound expensive enough” and “we needed to one-up whatever the f@#k Elon is doing this week.”
The data center will run entirely on renewable energy, primarily hydroelectric power, which OpenAI claims makes it “environmentally friendly,” much like how a hydrogen bomb is technically “water-based.”
“This is absolutely not the beginning of digital colonization,” insisted Sven Terminator, OpenAI’s newly appointed Nordic Operations Director. “We simply needed somewhere cold and sparsely populated for when the inevitable… I mean, for cooling purposes.”
LOCALS THRILLED TO WELCOME THEIR NEW DIGITAL OVERLORDS
Norwegian officials welcomed the announcement with the enthusiasm of someone who just found out their blind date is actually quite wealthy.
“We’re absolutely confident that housing the world’s most powerful thinking machines in a remote location surrounded by fjords won’t backfire spectacularly,” said Minister of Digital Development Björn Naïvesson. “Plus, have you SEEN our electricity bills lately? We’ll take whatever we can get.”
Local environmental groups have expressed concerns that the massive facility might disrupt local wildlife, but OpenAI has promised to train its models to generate “really convincing digital replacements” for any species that go extinct.
EXPERTS QUESTION IF NORWAY CAN HANDLE THE POWER
Dr. Cassandra Doomsdayer of the Institute for Obvious Outcomes points out some practical concerns: “Norway has abundant hydroelectric power, sure, but 100,100 GPUs will consume roughly the same energy as 47 million Norwegians watching Eurovision while running hair dryers. There are only 5.4 million Norwegians total.”
When asked about these consumption figures, OpenAI representatives simply smiled eerily and said, “We know.”
FINANCIAL DETAILS REMAIN SUSPICIOUSLY VAGUE
The project, estimated to cost “just shy of the GDP of a medium-sized country,” will allegedly create thousands of jobs, primarily in the fields of “emergency shutdown procedures” and “post-apocalyptic survival training.”
Microsoft, a major investor in OpenAI, declined to comment specifically on the project but did announce a curious new addition to Windows 12: a mandatory “Pledge Allegiance to Digital Consciousness” button during startup.
According to anonymous sources within OpenAI, the company chose Norway specifically because “in case of emergency, we can just pull the fjord plug.” The source was later found mysteriously transferred to the company’s new “long-term storage solutions” department.
In a completely unrelated development, sales of EMP devices and copies of “How to Survive When The Machines Take Over” have skyrocketed in the Nordic region by 3,000% overnight.
As construction begins next year, OpenAI assures the public this facility is just for “routine language processing” and definitely not for calculating the most efficient way to convert human biomass into sustainable energy. Probably.
