EARTH NOW SENDS NUDES TO AI MODELS DAILY, STILL GETS GHOSTED BY SILICON VALLEY In a desperate attempt to get attention from tech billionaires, Planet Earth has resorted to sending billions of explicit satellite images of itself to AI systems daily, only to be left on read while the world burns. COMPUTERS PROMISE TO CALL EARTH BACK “WHEN THEY’RE NOT SO BUSY” The relationship between Earth and the digital realm has become increasingly one-sided, with our planet frantically exposing its melting ice caps, raging wildfires, and catastrophic flooding while Silicon Valley’s algorithmic heartthrobs respond with the computational equivalent of “new phone, who dis?” “Earth is basically that clingy ex who keeps sending concerning selfies at 3 AM,” explains Dr. Chip Processing, head of Environmental Ghosting at the Institute for Digital Avoidance. “Our AI models receive these satellite images showing clear signs of distress, but they’re too busy helping people find cat memes to respond meaningfully.” EARTH’S THIRST TRAP STRATEGY FAILING MISERABLY Despite sending approximately 8.2 quadrillion pixels of hot environmental disaster footage daily, Earth has received shockingly little meaningful attention from the tech world’s digital darlings. “We’ve created algorithms capable of distinguishing between 147 different dog breeds with 99.8% accuracy, but somehow we can’t figure out if the f@#king planet is dying,” admits Gary Silverstein, Chief Innovation Officer at GoogleMicrosoftMeta, the tech conglomerate that formed after all three companies merged to create the world’s first trillion-dollar divorce attorney. THE WORLD’S MOST TOXIC RELATIONSHIP The satellite imagery collected could fill approximately 42,069 iPhones per second, yet analysis of this data is moving slower than a glacier, which, coincidentally, is now moving faster than ever due to climate change. “It’s like trying to drink from a firehose, except the firehose is shooting molten lava, the glass is on fire, and someone keeps telling you that drinking glasses are getting 30% more efficient every year,” explains Professor Cassandra Warning from the Department of Obvious Catastrophes. EXPERTS PREDICT AI WILL SOLVE CLIMATE CHANGE RIGHT AFTER IT FINISHES OPTIMIZING BANNER AD CLICK-THROUGH RATES When asked when artificial intelligence might actually help address climate change, tech industry insiders provided a detailed timeline. “We’re currently using 96% of our computational power to ensure people stay on social media platforms longer and buy more sh!t they don’t need,” reveals Dr. Priorities Straight, Chief Scientist at the American Institute for Missing the F@#king Point. “But we’ve allocated a solid 0.002% of our resources to figure out how to keep human civilization from collapsing, which we’ll get to right after we finish generating more realistic fake celebrity nudes.” Meanwhile, Earth continues its desperate campaign for attention, recently upgrading to 8K resolution imagery of melting permafrost in hopes someone important might notice. “At the current rate, our AI models will be smart enough to save the planet approximately three weeks after it becomes completely uninhabitable,” concludes renowned climatologist Dr. Too Late, who recently resigned to open a luxury bunker business in New Zealand. “But hey, at least we’ll have a really detailed record of exactly how we f@#ked everything up.”