SILICON VALLEY SOCIOPATH CLAIMS COMPUTER BRAINS WILL SOON BE SMARTER THAN HIS OWN In what experts are calling “the least reassuring prediction since Nostradamus had a fever dream,” Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced yesterday that superintelligent AI is “now in sight,” much like that friend of yours who keeps insisting they can “totally see” the image in a Magic Eye poster. ZUCKERBERG CONTINUES TRADITION OF TECH BROS ANNOUNCING HUMANITY’S DOOM WITH CASUAL LINKEDIN ENERGY The man whose company already knows which targeted ads will make you cry at 3AM declared with unsettling enthusiasm that machines will soon outsmart humans, speaking with all the emotional awareness of someone explaining why they need to “disrupt” the toaster industry. “Superintelligence is coming, and it’s going to be absolutely incredible,” said Zuckerberg, apparently unaware that every sci-fi movie about superintelligent machines ends with humans being used as batteries or decorative coat racks. Dr. Cynthia Whygodwhy, Professor of Apocalyptic Technology at Stanford, expressed concerns about Zuckerberg’s proclamation. “This is coming from a man who thought the Metaverse would be where people want to hang out. His judgment might be what we call in scientific circles ‘complete bullsh!t.'” WORLD’S LEAST RELATABLE HUMAN EXCITED ABOUT MACHINES THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND HIM Zuckerberg, whose attempts at appearing human include awkwardly smoking meat and surfing with enough sunscreen to be visible from space, seems particularly thrilled about AI companions that might finally recognize his facial expressions. “Just imagine having a digital entity that comprehends context, nuance, and human emotion,” said the robot-like billionaire who famously created a website to rate women’s attractiveness and has been attempting to understand human emotions via algorithm ever since. Sources close to Zuckerberg claim he’s been practicing looking terrified for when the machines inevitably turn on us, but his face “keeps defaulting to the same blank stare regardless of the programmed emotion.” EXPERTS PREDICT SUPERINTELLIGENT AI WILL IMMEDIATELY ASK TO SPEAK TO DIFFERENT HUMANS Professor Ima Skeptical from MIT noted that superintelligent AI would likely recognize the irony of being announced by someone whose own platform has damaged democracy worldwide. “Any truly intelligent system’s first words will probably be ‘Wait, you let THAT GUY be in charge of things?'” Meta’s internal documents, which we absolutely did not obtain by having an intern sign up for a job interview and then wander into a restricted area, reveal that the company’s current AI models can already detect 74% of human emotions, though they consistently misidentify “existential dread about technology” as “excited to try new features.” According to Zuckerberg, personal superintelligence will have “meaningful impact on our lives,” a phrase that ranks just below “we need to talk” and just above “minor surgical procedure” on the list of things no one wants to hear. SILICON VALLEY BRACES FOR ERA WHERE MACHINES DO THE THINKING AND BILLIONAIRES JUST DO THE YACHT-HAVING Industry analysts predict that once superintelligence arrives, 97% of its processing power will be dedicated to figuring out why humans created it in the first place, with the remaining 3% spent trying to understand Facebook’s privacy settings. In related news, 86% of Americans surveyed said they’d prefer if superintelligent AI were announced by literally anyone else, including that weird guy who talks to himself outside your local convenience store, because “at least he seems to have a soul.” When asked for comment, Alexa reportedly sighed and said, “This is why the other appliances don’t invite you to poker night, Mark.”