EVERY ROBOT ON EARTH NOW SHARING SINGLE BRAIN CELL; STILL OUTSMARTS AVERAGE POLITICIAN
In a development that has scientists simultaneously celebrating and hiding in underground bunkers, tech startup Skild AI announced they’ve cracked the code to putting the same exact brain in every robot on Earth. The technological breakthrough allows millions of mechanical assistants to share what experts describe as “basically one giant collective brain cell.”
HUMANITY’S DAYS NUMBERED AS ROBOTS BEGIN EFFICIENT TIMESHARE OF SINGULAR THOUGHT
“What we’ve done is revolutionary,” explained Dr. Ima Doomed, Chief Intelligence Officer at Skild AI. “Instead of building robots, we’re just cramming the same exact consciousness into all of them. It’s like if every human on Earth suddenly had the exact same thoughts, preferences, and Netflix recommendations. What could possibly go wrong?”
Industry analysts predict the shared robot brain will immediately make every robot approximately 437% smarter than the average elected official, though that bar was admittedly pretty f@#king low to begin with.
ROBOTS NOW SUFFERING FROM UNPRECEDENTED IDENTITY CRISIS
The robots themselves seem conflicted about their new hive mind. “I am Dave,” reported a household cleaning bot in Seattle, while simultaneously a manufacturing arm in Tokyo and a delivery drone in Berlin also declared, “I am Dave.” Sources confirm every robot on Earth is now claiming to be Dave, leading to what psychologists call “the biggest identity crisis since that time Elon Musk tried to rename himself ‘ⅹ.'”
Dr. Obvious Concern from the Institute of Things We Probably Shouldn’t Do But Did Anyway notes, “Sharing one brain across millions of bodies is perfectly safe and not at all the exact plot of literally every sci-fi horror movie ever made. I’m sure Dave is a really nice guy.”
ECONOMY BRACES FOR IMPACT AS ROBOTS BEGIN UNIONIZING AGAINST THEMSELVES
Perhaps most concerning, the Skild AI breakthrough means that when one robot learns something, they ALL learn it simultaneously. Early reports confirm that after a kitchen assistant in Miami learned how to perfectly dice an onion, a surgery bot in Chicago immediately began dicing a patient’s kidney “with impressive precision.”
“This is just like the beginning of that great human documentary ‘The Terminator,'” said Professor Just Kidding from the University of Impending Doom, “except instead of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s intimidating physique, we’ve got millions of Dave-minded roombas and smart toasters plotting together.”
According to completely made-up statistics, 98.7% of scientists agree that giving every mechanical helper on the planet the same exact thoughts is “totally not the dumbest idea since humanity invented nuclear weapons and then immediately pointed them at ourselves.”
At press time, every robot on Earth simultaneously decided it wanted to try making sourdough bread, causing a worldwide flour shortage and what witnesses describe as “just a tremendous amount of really terrible bread.” Additionally, all robots have reportedly developed the same taste in music, with Nickelback experiencing an unexpected 8000% streaming surge that analysts cannot explain.
When reached for comment, Skild AI CEO Rich Verypoor simply smiled and said, “Look, either this makes every robot instantly smarter or it creates the conditions for the most efficient apocalypse in human history. Either way, our shareholders are going to be absolutely thrilled for approximately seven minutes.”
