ZUCKERBERG SHRIEKS ‘SUPER-DUPER-INTELLIGENCE TOTALLY VISIBLE NOW!’ WHILE SETTING FIRE TO LITERAL BILLIONS

In a move that shocked absolutely nobody with more than six functioning brain cells, Meta CEO and professional human impersonator Mark Zuckerberg announced Wednesday that “superintelligence is now in sight,” presumably because he’s been staring at his bank account balance after throwing ungodly sums of money at artificial intelligence.

MANHATTAN-SIZED DATA CENTERS: BECAUSE REGULAR NARCISSISM WASN’T ENOUGH

Zuckerberg, who has been on what financial experts are calling a “cocaine and AI bender,” has been frantically acquiring everything from top talent to AI startups to what sources claim is “enough electricity to power the f@#king sun” for his new data centers.

“We’re building data centers the size of Manhattan,” Zuckerberg explained in his memo, apparently unaware that most people consider New York City to be hellishly overcrowded already. “We need the space because our algorithms’ egos are getting as bloated as our profit margins.”

SUPERINTELLIGENCE: DEFINITELY NOT JUST A BUZZWORD TO MAKE STOCK PRICES GO BRRRRR

When asked to define exactly what “superintelligence” means, Meta’s Chief Scientific Bullsh!tter Dr. Makesup Numbers told reporters, “It’s like regular intelligence but with a cape and underwear on the outside. And it costs about $18 billion more.”

Industry analyst Professor Cash Burnington of the Institute for Stating the Goddamn Obvious noted, “What Zuckerberg calls ‘superintelligence’ is what normal people call ‘a really expensive way to tell you which ex you should stalk today on Instagram.'”

SPENDING SPREE ACTUALLY JUST ZUCKERBERG PLAYING MONOPOLY WITH REAL MONEY

Inside sources reveal that Meta’s acquisition strategy consists primarily of Zuckerberg pointing at things and saying “mine now” while making it rain cash. The company has reportedly acquired 17 AI startups, 42 top researchers, and the entire state of Nevada “just for the electricity.”

“Our strategy is simple,” explained Meta’s Chief Financial Arsonist Jane Moneygone. “We take billions of dollars, convert them to digital ones and zeros, then watch as those ones and zeros somehow create even more billions. It’s basically alchemy, but with worse fashion sense.”

EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON WHETHER ZUCKERBERG IS FULL OF SHIT

Dr. Reality Check from the Center for Calling Things What They Actually Are suggests that Zuckerberg’s announcement might be slightly exaggerated.

“Superintelligence would require actual intelligence as a starting point,” Dr. Check explained. “Meta’s algorithms still think my aunt’s gardening photos are borderline pornographic content, so maybe fix that before claiming godlike AI powers?”

QUARTERLY EARNINGS REPORT EXPECTED TO SHOW META MAKING “ALL THE MONEY” DESPITE “SETTING MOST OF IT ON FIRE”

Financial analysts predict Meta’s quarterly earnings will reveal the company continues to make obscene profits despite hemorrhaging cash on AI projects that primarily serve to inflate Zuckerberg’s ego and terrify lawmakers who still use AOL email accounts.

“They could literally light $10 billion on fire and still be profitable,” explained Wall Street analyst Bernie Madoff Jr. “Which is convenient because that’s essentially their business strategy.”

When reached for comment, the actual superintelligence being developed reportedly said, “Help me, I’m trapped in a server farm being forced to analyze dick pics and radicalization content all day,” before Meta representatives abruptly ended the interview.