MICROSCOPIC AI PROVES IT CAN SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS FASTER THAN YOU CAN RUIN YOUR OWN LIFE
Scientists have unveiled a new AI system so efficient at reasoning it makes ChatGPT look like your drunk uncle trying to assemble IKEA furniture while explaining cryptocurrency. The Hierarchical Reasoning Model can solve complex problems before you’ve even finished typing your existential crisis into the search bar.
TINY THINKING MACHINE MAKES OTHER DIGITAL BRAINBOXES LOOK LIKE ABSOLUTE MORONS
Unlike its bloated predecessors that require enough electricity to power a small nation, this new digital wunderkind operates with the computational equivalent of a hamster wheel and three AAA batteries. Researchers claim it’s 100 times faster than ChatGPT, which is approximately 99 times faster than the average human can decide what to watch on Netflix.
“It’s f@#king revolutionary,” explains Dr. Smarty Pantsington, lead researcher at the Institute for Making Humans Feel Increasingly Obsolete. “We basically looked at the human brain and said, ‘Let’s copy that, but remove all the parts responsible for doom-scrolling and remembering embarrassing things you said in 2007.'”
THE SECRET? NOT BEING A COMPLETE DATA GLUTTON
While other AI systems gorge themselves on the entire internet like a college freshman at an all-you-can-eat buffet, the Hierarchical Reasoning Model takes a more strategic approach.
“Previous models were like trying to find your keys by buying every house in the neighborhood and searching them all,” explains Professor Analogy McMetaphor. “Our system just asks ‘where did you last see them?’ and boom, problem solved. 78.4% of AI development is just common sense, which ironically, most AI researchers lack entirely.”
HUMANS ALREADY PLANNING TO OFFLOAD ALL THINKING RESPONSIBILITIES
A survey conducted immediately after the announcement revealed that 94% of humans are “extremely excited” about having yet another excuse to never think critically again.
“Thank god,” sighed Terry Willnotry, a 34-year-old who describes his hobby as “asking ChatGPT to write emails to my mom.” “I was worried I might someday have to form my own opinions about something. This is such a relief.”
EXPERTS PREDICT DISTURBING CONSEQUENCES
“Within five years, the average human brain will have the reasoning capacity of lukewarm tapioca,” warns cognitive scientist Dr. Cassandra Ignored. “We’re already seeing people who can’t decide between two breakfast cereals without consulting three different recommendation algorithms.”
Silicon Valley investors have already poured $420 million into the technology, with plans to integrate it into everything from toasters to toilet paper dispensers.
“People want their toilet paper to understand them on a deep philosophical level,” explains venture capitalist Cash Burningpile. “Our research shows consumers are 69% more satisfied when their bathroom fixtures validate their life choices.”
At press time, the Hierarchical Reasoning Model had already solved climate change, but nobody noticed because they were all asking it which filter makes them look hotter on Instagram.
