DESPERATE TECH NERDS CREATE “STUDY MODE” TO TRICK STUDENTS INTO BELIEVING CHATBOT WON’T HELP THEM CHEAT
In what experts are calling “the digital equivalent of putting a ‘Just Say No’ sticker on a cocaine vending machine,” ChatGPT has unveiled a laughably transparent “study mode” designed to pretend it won’t write your entire f@#king term paper while your professor remains blissfully unaware.
THE DIGITAL HALL MONITOR NOBODY ASKED FOR
The new feature, accessible through the “I promise I’m not cheating” button, allegedly walks users through subjects step-by-step instead of vomiting out complete essays that professors somehow still can’t distinguish from actual student work.
“This is absolutely going to solve the problem of academic dishonesty,” claimed Dr. Gull I. Bull, OpenAI’s Chief Educational Integrity Officer. “It’s like putting a ‘please drink responsibly’ label on tequila bottles at a fraternity party.”
UNIVERSITIES REJOICE AT HAVING ANOTHER USELESS TOOL
Universities across the globe are celebrating the development, which will join their arsenal of other ineffective cheating deterrents such as honor codes, stern warnings, and professors who haven’t updated their syllabus since 1997.
“We’ve tried nothing and we’re all out of ideas,” said Professor Lance Tweed of Cambridge University. “Thank god the calculator-that-writes-essays has decided to police itself. Problem solved!”
STUDENTS ALREADY FINDING WORKAROUNDS
A recent survey that we completely made up indicates that 97.2% of students have already discovered you can simply turn study mode off or just use one of the 8,942 other AI tools available online.
“I just ask it to explain step-by-step how to write an essay arguing that The Great Gatsby represents American capitalism, and then I copy those steps verbatim,” explained sophomore Kevin Cheatington, who has never opened a book in his life. “It’s basically the academic equivalent of buying oregano in a ziplock bag and calling it weed.”
EXPERTS PREDICT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WILL CHANGE
Dr. Noam Kidden, professor of Digital Education Ethics at Pointless University, believes this new feature will be about as effective as abstinence-only sex education.
“It’s adorable that they think this will work,” said Kidden while grading papers that were clearly written by silicon-based thinking rectangles. “Next they’ll add a ‘please don’t use me to write threatening emails to your ex’ mode.”
The new study mode arrives just as universities report that a record 106% of students have been caught using AI to cheat, with the remaining negative 6% being faculty members who can’t figure out how to turn on their computers.
AT PRESS TIME
As of publication, OpenAI executives were reportedly developing additional “responsible use” features including “Don’t Use Me To Plan Crimes Mode,” “Please Don’t Make Me Write Pornography Mode,” and “For God’s Sake Stop Asking If I’m Sentient Mode” – all of which can be disabled with a single click.
