CHINESE AI COMPANIES FORM SUPPORT GROUP FOR CHIPS GOING THROUGH PAINFUL AMERICAN DIVORCE
BEIJING—In a stunning display of technological co-dependency, Chinese AI firms announced Monday they’re forming what experts are calling “the world’s saddest support group” to cope with their devastating breakup from American semiconductor technology.
THE HEARTBREAK IS REAL
Following President Trump’s restrictions on tech exports to China, representatives from leading Chinese AI companies were spotted ugly-crying into bowls of ice cream while watching “The Notebook” together in a Beijing conference room. Their new alliance, officially named “Coalition for Technological Independence” but informally known as “America’s Ex-Boyfriends,” aims to reduce dependency on American technology through group therapy and aggressive rebound engineering.
“It’s not us, it’s them,” sobbed Wei Xiaoping, CEO of ByteDataCloud, while clutching a photo of an American GPU he had cut into the shape of a heart. “We’re better off without them anyway. Their transistors weren’t even that small.”
SILICON VALLEY RESTRAINING ORDER
The restrictions, which limit China’s access to American technology, have forced Chinese companies to swipe right on domestic chip production after being ghosted by their American tech suppliers.
“This is like telling someone they can’t use electricity anymore and expecting them to still host a rave,” explained Dr. Chip Shortage, head of the Department of Obvious Technological Consequences at Beijing University. “These companies are basically trying to build a nuclear reactor after watching a two-minute YouTube tutorial on how to change a light bulb.”
Studies show that 97.3% of Chinese AI executives now suffer from “phantom chip syndrome,” where they reach for American semiconductors that aren’t there anymore. The remaining 2.7% are in deep denial, insisting they “never really liked those chips anyway” and that “Taiwan is basically local if you squint at a map.”
HOMEGROWN ALTERNATIVES OR ELABORATE COPING MECHANISM?
The new alliance plans to develop China’s domestic chip industry, which experts describe as “adorably ambitious” and “like watching a toddler try to build a spaceship out of Play-Doh.”
“We will create chips so advanced that American technology will look like an abacus!” declared Jin Weitao, newly appointed Chief Delusional Officer of the alliance. When asked about the timeline for such innovations, Jin stared blankly before whispering, “Please don’t make me put a date on this.”
Industry analyst Professor Rhea Listicfacts notes that China’s domestic chip industry has a 0.002% chance of matching American capabilities by next Tuesday, but a significantly higher 0.003% chance by Wednesday.
DESPERATE MEASURES FOR DESPERATE TIMES
Sources report that some Chinese tech companies have resorted to extreme measures, including:
– Attempting to train pigeons to perform complex calculations
– Hiring 10,000 interns with abacuses to simulate processor functions
– Developing a new computing paradigm based entirely on the I Ching
– Asking nicely if South Korea will share their semiconductor homework
“We’ve developed a revolutionary new chip that’s almost as good as American ones,” claimed Dr. Li Fabrication of HuaCompute. When pressed for specifications, he admitted it was “basically a potato with copper wires stuck in it” but insisted it could run Doom “if you have a really good imagination.”
THE EMOTIONAL TOLL
The technological separation has taken a psychological toll on China’s tech sector. Reports indicate that engineers now go through the five stages of chip grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, attempting to build quantum computers in their garage.
“I used to dream about neural networks,” confessed one anonymous engineer. “Now I just dream about my ex… I mean, my ex-supplier of GTX graphics cards. Sometimes I swear I can still hear their cooling fans.”
As the Chinese tech sector struggles through this difficult transition, the rest of the world watches with a mixture of concern and the particular joy that comes from watching someone else’s technological midlife crisis. Experts predict that by 2025, China will either achieve complete technological independence or the entire industry will collectively move back in with their parents.
At press time, Chinese officials were reportedly considering a bold new strategy: turning it off and back on again.
