DESPITE BEING TOTALLY F@#KED, HUMANITY SOMEHOW STILL HAS EIGHT REASONS NOT TO JUMP OFF A CLIFF YET
In a shocking twist that has mental health professionals concerned, some delusional optimists still believe humanity isn’t completely doomed despite *gestures vaguely at literally everything*.
EVERYTHING IS FINE, PLEASE IGNORE THE FLAMES
Despite the Earth basically cosplaying as a microwave dinner and nuclear arsenals big enough to vaporize the planet several times over, a new report suggests that people should maybe, possibly, consider not panicking completely. This groundbreaking conclusion comes just as 94% of Americans have begun constructing bunkers in their backyards and stockpiling beans.
“People are surprisingly terrible at noticing when things aren’t actively on fire,” explains Dr. Polly Anna Delusion, head of the Institute for Forced Optimism. “Sure, four in ten Americans think climate change will kill us all, but that means six in ten are still blissfully watching cat videos while Rome burns.”
GOOD NEWS NOBODY ACTUALLY BELIEVES
According to the report, humanity has allegedly made “progress” on issues like global poverty, health, and longevity, claims that caused our fact-checkers to laugh so hard they required medical attention.
“We’ve reduced extreme poverty by nearly 73% since my imaginary statistics department made up this number,” said Professor Hopeful McSunshine, who curiously conducts all his research from a luxury yacht. “Also, people are living longer, which just means more time to witness the apocalypse, but hey, silver linings!”
CLIMATE CHANGE SOLUTION: JUST STOP LOOKING AT IT
The most controversial claim in the report suggests that climate change might not actually murder everyone immediately. This assertion caused several environmental scientists to throw their credentials into a shredder.
“We’ve made incredible progress on renewable energy,” insists Energy Secretary Windy McSolarface. “We’ve gone from generating absolutely no solar power to generating slightly more than absolutely no solar power. At this rate, we’ll save the planet approximately seven years after it becomes uninhabitable.”
TECHNOLOGY: SAVING US FROM PROBLEMS IT CREATED
The report also suggests that technology might save us all, conveniently ignoring that technology is what got us into this mess in the first place.
“Our algorithm-powered prediction rectangles will definitely solve climate change before they decide to eliminate us for being inefficient meat sacks,” said Silicon Valley CEO Rich Whiteguy, speaking from his doomsday bunker in New Zealand. “Trust me, I have a vested interest in not watching civilization collapse before my stock options vest.”
CONCLUSION: WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE, BUT MAYBE SLIGHTLY LATER THAN EXPECTED
The report concludes that while humanity faces “enormous challenges unprecedented in human history,” we should all just chill out and appreciate that things aren’t completely terrible yet.
“Look, the world is only partially on fire,” said renowned climatologist Dr. I. M. Sweating. “That’s technically better than completely on fire, which according to my advanced calculations, gives us approximately 17 more minutes to enjoy ice cream before society collapses.”
At press time, the author of the report was spotted purchasing a remote cabin in Montana and learning how to hunt with a crossbow, “just as a fun hobby.”
