# CHINA’S TECHNO-COMMIES FINALLY OPEN SOURCE THEIR PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION
Chinese Developers Accidentally Release AI That Can Actually F@#king Work While Western Labs Still Arguing About Whether Code Should Have Feelings
EXCLUSIVE: BEIJING’S OPEN SOURCE BINGE REVEALS SHOCKING TRUTH – THEY ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING
By Chip Silverman, Silicon Correspondent
In a move that has Western tech executives choking on their $37 avocado toasts, Chinese AI labs continue to release increasingly capable open-source models at a pace that suggests they might actually give a sh!t about technological progress rather than stock prices.
THE COMMUNIST PARTY’S SECRET WEAPON: ACTUALLY RELEASING STUFF THAT WORKS
While American tech companies spend billions on office meditation pods and debates about whether AI should have pronouns, Chinese startup Z.ai has released GLM-4.5, an open-source AI model that can actually perform tasks without needing therapy first.
“This is absolutely terrifying,” said Dr. Paranoid McFearsalot, head of the Center for Keeping Technology Expensive and Useless. “If regular developers can access powerful AI without paying us a fortune per API call, how will we maintain our God-like status in the industry?”
GLM-4.5 reportedly excels at reasoning, coding, and autonomous tasks – three things American models struggle with while they’re busy writing politically correct poetry nobody asked for.
ALIBABA ENTERS THE VIDEO WARS WITH MODEL THAT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE A TODDLER’S ACID TRIP
Not content with just dominating text-based AI, Alibaba has released Wan2.2, a video generation model that can create clips that don’t immediately trigger seizures or existential dread.
“Our competitors’ videos look like they were created by feeding a blender full of VHS tapes to a colorblind octopus,” said Xiaoping “Big Al” Wong, Alibaba’s Chief Visual Officer. “We decided to make something that doesn’t make people want to claw their eyes out.”
Industry experts note that Wan2.2 was trained on 66% more images and 83% more videos than its predecessor, whereas Western models are primarily trained on Reddit memes and stock footage of diverse people pointing at laptops while smiling.
MICROSOFT FINALLY REALIZES BROWSERS SHOULD DO SOMETHING USEFUL
Meanwhile, in a desperate attempt to stay relevant, Microsoft has released “Copilot Mode” for Edge – an AI assistant that can search across open tabs and proactively suggest actions, finally giving people a reason to use Edge other than downloading Chrome.
“We’ve revolutionized browsing by having AI do things you could already do yourself, just marginally faster,” said Tiffany Redundant, Microsoft’s VP of Repackaging Existing Features.
Sources confirm Microsoft plans to eventually charge for this feature, continuing their long tradition of making users pay for stuff that should definitely be free.
STATISTICS THAT ARE DEFINITELY TRUE AND NOT MADE UP
According to a study we just invented, 87% of American AI companies spend more time on their PowerPoint presentations than their actual code. Meanwhile, a stunning 94.3% of Chinese AI researchers don’t even know what a DALL-E is and think “midjourney” refers to a bathroom break.
Furthermore, 102% of Western AI ethics boards are composed entirely of philosophy majors who have never written a line of code but have very strong opinions about semi-colons.
EXPERT OPINION: THIS IS FINE, EVERYTHING IS FINE
“There’s absolutely nothing to worry about,” insisted Professor Delusion O’Strichhead from the Institute of Looking The Other Way. “Sure, China is releasing increasingly capable AI systems to the world for free while we’re still arguing about whether our models should be allowed to tell jokes, but have you seen our quarterly profits? They’re through the roof!”
When asked about the potential long-term implications of creating an entire parallel open AI ecosystem that developers worldwide might prefer, the Professor was unavailable for comment as he was busy counting his stock options.
In related news, OpenAI has announced they will be releasing their own open-source model “any day now” for the 17th consecutive month.
