GOLFING BOOMERS ACCUSED OF DESTROYING ECONOMY; RETIREES RESPOND “WE’RE TOO BUSY SPENDING YOUR INHERITANCE TO CARE”
In a shocking revelation that has economists clutching their pearls and millennials screaming “I f@#king knew it,” baby boomers who chose to retire have been officially labeled as the primary cause of Britain’s economic collapse, social decay, and probably also that weird smell in your fridge.
GREEDY OLDSTERS SELFISHLY REFUSE TO WORK UNTIL DEATH
According to groundbreaking research, every time a 65-year-old decides to retire, the GDP drops by 0.4%, three factories close in the Midlands, and a puppy loses its will to live. Philip Inman’s hard-hitting exposé revealed that these “golf course terrorists” are deliberately sabotaging the economy by selfishly choosing to enjoy their final decades instead of continuing to toil in middle management until they collapse face-first into their keyboards.
“These people are economic vampires,” explained Dr. Brooke N. Busted, Professor of Generational Warfare at the University of Making Sh!t Up. “By saving their money instead of buying unnecessary crap every payday, they’ve single-handedly created a consumer spending deficit of roughly eleventy billion pounds.”
RETIREES DEFEND THEIR RIGHT TO BE LAZY BASTARDS
When confronted with accusations that their retirement plans were destroying Britain, several baby boomers responded with characteristic indifference.
“I worked 50-hour weeks for four decades, saved half my income, and now I’m supposed to feel guilty for not wanting to die at my desk?” said Gerald Wrinkleton, 68, while volunteering at a food bank between his watercolor class and his weekly physiotherapy for his replacement hip. “The absolute f@#king audacity.”
GOVERNMENT PROPOSES “WORK UNTIL YOU’RE DEAD” INITIATIVE
Chancellor Jeremy Spendnot unveiled an emergency economic recovery plan requiring all citizens over 60 to remain employed until they’re found slumped over in the office bathroom. “Our research shows that if boomers would just keep working, millennials could finally afford houses,” he explained, while ignoring questions about corporate greed, wage stagnation, and why he personally owns seventeen properties.
SHOCKING STATISTICS REVEAL BOOMER CONSPIRACY
A recently conducted survey found that 97.4% of retired people spend their days deliberately plotting economic sabotage between rounds of golf and visits to their grandchildren. Additionally, 84% admitted to “saving money” specifically to spite younger generations, and 106% confessed to enjoying their retirement “more than they should.”
Financial analyst Penny Pincher warns that if this trend continues, by 2030 there will be more retired people than workers, leading to “the complete collapse of society, spontaneous combustion of all currency, and probably a zombie apocalypse.”
NATION’S YOUTH DIVIDED ON WHETHER TO BLAME BOOMERS OR CAPITALISM
When asked about the retirement crisis, 23-year-old barista Jake Brokeaf seemed confused. “Wait, retirement? Is that still going to be a thing when I’m old? I just assumed I’d work until I die or the climate wars get me, whichever comes first.”
Meanwhile, the UK’s boomer population continues their reign of terror, volunteering at record rates in charities that pick up the slack for government austerity measures while SELFISHLY not contributing to workplace productivity metrics. The absolute nerve of these people to use their hard-earned savings instead of buying another car they don’t need has economists predicting that by Christmas, the pound will be worth less than a Greggs sausage roll wrapper.
In conclusion, experts recommend that all citizens immediately blame their grandparents for society’s problems instead of examining complex economic systems, because that’s much easier than admitting nobody knows what the f@#k is going on anymore.
