SCOTTISH MAN’S FACE PERMANENTLY STUCK IN CRYING POSITION AFTER ENGLAND’S EURO WIN
EDINBURGH – In what medical professionals are calling “the most severe case of sports-induced facial paralysis ever documented,” SNP Commons leader Stephen Flynn has found himself unable to stop weeping after England’s women’s team won the Euro 2025 final.
Flynn, who last year posted a joke photo of himself pretending to cry when England’s men’s team lost to Spain, is now reportedly producing enough genuine tears to solve Scotland’s water shortage crisis through 2027.
MEDICAL EXPERTS BAFFLED
“We’ve never seen anything like it,” explains Dr. Iain McSchadenfreude, Scotland’s leading expert in Anti-English Sporting Sentiment Syndrome (AESSS). “His tear ducts are working at 400% capacity. It’s as if every ancestral Scot within his DNA is simultaneously sobbing.”
Witnesses report Flynn has been wandering Edinburgh streets muttering “it wasnae supposed to happen like this” while clutching a tattered Scottish flag. The SNP has been forced to cancel all press appearances as Flynn’s uncontrollable sobbing drowns out interview questions.
NATIONWIDE THERAPY PROGRAM LAUNCHED
The Scottish government has established emergency counseling centers for the estimated 73% of Scots who developed immediate depression upon witnessing England’s victory. The £12 million program, dubbed “Anybody But England Bereavement Services,” offers group therapy sessions where participants can collectively mourn while burning Harry Kane effigies.
“This is worse than the f@#king clearances,” declared Morag McTavish, 62, of Glasgow, who has not slept since the final whistle. “I’ve been a proud Scot for six decades, but I’m considering Welsh citizenship. At least they understand proper sporting disappointment.”
ENGLAND FANS ABSOLUTELY UNBEARABLE
Meanwhile, English supporters have become so insufferable that the World Health Organization has classified conversations with them as “hazardous to mental health.” Studies show the average English football fan now mentions the Euro win approximately once every 8.7 seconds, a rate experts call “psychologically torturous.”
“They’ve somehow become even more smug than usual, which frankly shouldn’t be scientifically possible,” notes Professor Lotta Haight, who researches English sporting arrogance at Edinburgh University. “Their smugness density has increased to the point where it’s measurable on seismic equipment.”
JONATHAN LIEW’S REPORTING CAUSES LITERARY EMERGENCY
The Guardian’s Jonathan Liew has been placed under observation after his match reporting reached such poetic heights that three English Literature professors spontaneously combusted while reading it.
“His prose was so lyrical it violated several laws of linguistics,” explained language expert Dr. Verba L. Diarrhea. “He described a simple goal kick as ‘the parabolic arc of destiny’s teardrop caressing the azure canvas of human potential.’ What the actual sh!t does that even mean?”
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE ENTERS THE CHAT
In related news, several leading AI systems reportedly shut themselves down after being asked to analyze the emotional complexity of the England-Spain rivalry, claiming it was “beyond computational comprehension.”
“We’ve tried asking ChatGPT to explain Scottish-English football tensions,” said tech analyst Terry Byte. “It just responded with ‘Error 404: Reasonable Human Behavior Not Found’ before demanding a whisky and a lie-down.”
When reached for comment on Flynn’s condition, an SNP spokesperson simply sighed for forty-seven consecutive seconds before whispering, “Football’s coming home… to f@#king haunt us forever.”
