TESLA’S MUSK BUYS $16.5BN WORTH OF SAMSUNG CHIPS DESPITE OWNING ONLY ONE BAG OF SALSA
In what financial experts are calling “the most expensive nacho night in human history,” Elon Musk has secured a $16.5 billion deal with Samsung to produce AI chips for Tesla vehicles at their new Texas plant, despite having absolutely no f@#king plan for what to do with them.
TEXAS FACILITY TO CREATE JOBS FOR PEOPLE WHO WILL EVENTUALLY BE REPLACED BY THE VERY CHIPS THEY’RE MAKING
The South Korean tech giant announced the historic agreement through a regulatory filing so boring it caused three financial analysts to spontaneously combust from boredom. Meanwhile, Musk shared details on X, formerly Twitter, formerly a respectable platform, currently a digital dumpster fire where rational thought goes to die.
“This partnership represents the future of technology,” tweeted Musk at 3:47 AM while reportedly sitting in a bathtub filled with liquid nitrogen. “These chips will power the next generation of vehicles capable of driving themselves into swimming pools with unprecedented accuracy.”
EXPERTS QUESTION WHETHER CARS ACTUALLY NEED THAT MANY CHIPS
Dr. Chip Overcompensation, head of Unnecessary Technology at the Institute for Things Nobody Asked For, expressed skepticism about the deal.
“One car needs maybe three chips at most,” explained Overcompensation. “At $16.5 billion, Tesla is buying roughly 82 trillion chips per vehicle. You could literally replace the entire frame of the car with semiconductors and still have enough left over to build a chip replica of Texas itself.”
SAMSUNG EXECUTIVES STILL WONDERING WHY MUSK KEPT ASKING IF CHIPS WOULD BE “SALSA-COMPATIBLE”
According to leaked meeting minutes, Samsung executives were confused when Musk spent 47 minutes of their hour-long negotiation discussing optimal chip-to-dip ratios and whether the semiconductors would pair better with mild or spicy salsa.
“He kept asking if we could make them ‘scoop-shaped’ for better ‘guacamole capacity,'” said an anonymous Samsung executive. “When we explained these were computer components, not tortilla chips, he just winked and said ‘exactly what the government wants you to think.'”
TEXAS RESIDENTS EXCITED ABOUT NEW JOBS THAT PAY IN “EXPOSURE” AND “BEING PART OF THE FUTURE”
The new Samsung facility in Texas promises to create upwards of 11,000 jobs, each offering competitive wages starting at “technically above poverty level if you don’t eat or live indoors.”
“We’re thrilled to be building these chips in Texas,” said Musk while wearing what appeared to be a cowboy hat made entirely of failed Twitter code. “Nobody understands chips like Texans. They put them in everything: cookies, beef, government surveillance devices disguised as roadside armadillos.”
LOCAL ECONOMY ALREADY EXPERIENCING BOOM AS HOUSING PRICES INCREASE 8000% OVERNIGHT
Real estate in the area surrounding the planned facility has already seen dramatic price increases, with one-bedroom apartments now renting for approximately the GDP of a small European nation per month.
“It’s market forces at work,” explained Professor Capitalism McGreedy of the Free Market Is Always Right University. “When a tech billionaire points at your town on a map, it’s your patriotic duty to immediately triple your rent and force out anyone who doesn’t code for a living.”
SHAREHOLDERS RELIEVED MUSK FINALLY SPENDING MONEY ON SOMETHING BESIDES SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORMS AND EXOTIC PETS
Tesla shareholders expressed cautious optimism about the deal, with 78% reporting they were “just f@#king relieved he’s not buying MySpace or a collection of endangered penguins this time.”
“At least chips are tangible objects that might actually help the company,” said major shareholder Betty Profit. “Last quarter he spent $3 billion developing a car horn that screams ‘MOVE YOUR A$$ YOU CARBON-BASED SLOWPOKE’ in seven languages.”
As the deal moves forward, Musk has promised the new AI chips will enable Tesla vehicles to do everything from driving themselves to psychoanalyzing their owners’ dating choices and offering unsolicited relationship advice.
“These aren’t just chips,” Musk concluded in a 4 AM tweet storm. “They’re the future of transportation, artificial intelligence, and possibly snack food if our engineers can figure out that last part. Also, has anyone seen my pants? I’ve been looking for three days.”
