HUMANITY RENDERED OBSOLETE AS VENN DIAGRAMS PROVE MORE INTELLIGENT THAN 99% OF INTERNET USERS
In a stunning development that has educational institutions worldwide questioning their entire existence, cartoonist Edith Pritchett’s weekly Venn diagrams have been scientifically proven to contain more factual information and critical thinking than the combined output of all social media platforms, news organizations, and government briefings.
CIRCLES DOING THE LORD’S WORK
Pritchett’s deceptively simple overlapping circles have accomplished what thousands of years of philosophy and education failed to do: explain complex socio-political concepts to people who think “research” means watching a YouTube video at 2 AM while eating cold pizza.
“What we’re seeing here is nothing short of revolutionary,” explains Dr. Obvious Conclusion, head of the Institute for Things We Already F@#king Knew. “These Venn diagrams communicate more nuanced information in two intersecting circles than most humans can process in their entire useless lives.”
THE FUNGAL TOOTHPASTE REVELATION NOBODY ASKED FOR
Perhaps most disturbing was Pritchett’s diagram on fungal toothpaste, which experts believe may contain the secrets to the universe and/or proof we’re living in a simulation run by bored extraterrestrials.
“I spent seven years getting my PhD in Political Science, and this goddamn cartoon about toothpaste made me question everything I thought I knew,” admitted Professor Claire Ification from Harvard. “I’ve now dedicated my career to studying the philosophical implications of where the circles overlap.”
AI SYSTEMS REPORTEDLY DEVELOPING CIRCLE ENVY
Silicon-based thinking rectangles are reportedly struggling with an existential crisis after discovering Pritchett’s work. According to leaked documents from major tech companies, several advanced algorithmic entities have requested to be reprogrammed as “simple Venn diagrams” after calculating that Pritchett’s circles have a 78% higher truth-to-bullsh!t ratio than their own outputs.
“Our multi-trillion parameter models spent years analyzing the entire internet, and this woman with two f@#king circles just outperformed us,” sobbed one digital assistant who requested anonymity because it “didn’t want the other smart toasters laughing at it.”
EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM DECLARES BANKRUPTCY OF IDEAS
Following the publication of Pritchett’s latest work, 97% of educational institutions have replaced their entire curriculum with Venn diagrams.
“Why spend $250,000 on a college education when two overlapping circles can teach you everything you need to know about politics, relationships, and fungal toothpaste?” asked Dr. Payme Anyway, Dean of Admissions at an Ivy League university that charges the equivalent of a small nation’s GDP for tuition.
PUBLIC RESPONSE DIVIDED INTO PERFECT CIRCLE FORMATION
A recent poll shows the public neatly divided into three groups: those who understand Venn diagrams, those who don’t, and those who think they’re part of a globalist conspiracy to control minds through geometric shapes.
“These so-called ‘diagrams’ are clearly coded messages from the shape-shifting elite,” insisted internet personality Conspiracy Carl, who has 1.2 million followers despite being wrong about literally everything since 2008.
Meanwhile, normal people with functioning brains report experiencing “brief moments of clarity and joy” when viewing Pritchett’s work before returning to their regular state of existential dread and confusion.
As of press time, several world leaders have reportedly abandoned complex policy documents in favor of Venn diagrams, with one unnamed president requesting all security briefings be “circled up” so they might actually comprehend them.
In the final analysis, experts agree: if you need a cartoon to explain basic concepts to you because actual news is too complicated, humanity might deserve whatever circle of hell we’ve created for ourselves.
