STUDENTS WHO CAN’T SPEAK GOOD DOOMED TO SERVE THEIR SILICON OVERLORDS
In a shocking revelation that has parents nationwide contemplating whether their child’s inability to form coherent sentences might actually matter, schools are apparently f@#king forgetting to teach kids how to talk.
WORDS: THE LAST HUMAN SKILL NOT YET STOLEN BY CALCULATORS WITH ATTITUDES
Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer, who once championed the revolutionary concept that humans should be able to communicate verbally, has apparently forgotten his own damn promise. The interim curriculum review shockingly omitted any mention of “oracy” – a fancy education term for “not sounding like an absolute moron when you open your mouth.”
“We’re essentially raising a generation of children who can take standardized tests but can’t order a coffee without having an existential crisis,” explained Dr. Talksalot McSpeakyface, leading expert in stating the bloody obvious. “It’s almost as if we’re preparing them for a world where electronic thinking rectangles do all the talking, and humans just nod submissively.”
EXPERTS WARN: HUMANS WITH VERBAL SKILLS LAST DEFENSE AGAINST UNEMPLOYMENT APOCALYPSE
Over 1,000 schools are working with the charity Voice 21, desperately trying to teach children the arcane human skill of “talking good” before it becomes completely unnecessary. According to totally legitimate statistics we just made up, 87% of future jobs will require humans to do exactly one thing: explain to algorithm Americans why they shouldn’t kill all humans.
“Look, I’ve got no f@#king idea why we need to formally teach kids to talk when they won’t shut up in the corridors,” said Professor Ivana B. Heard, who studies children who can’t express a single coherent thought despite spending 18 hours daily on social media. “But apparently without ‘oracy education,’ we’re all doomed to jobs as professional button-pushers for our digital supervisors.”
CHILDREN’S AUTHORS UNITE: “FOR GOD’S SAKE TEACH THEM WORDS”
A coalition of children’s authors, who make their living from the increasingly quaint notion that humans enjoy reading, expressed dismay at oracy’s omission from the curriculum review. According to our sources, several were seen openly weeping at the prospect of future generations who communicate exclusively through emoji and interpretive dance.
“We’ve created an education system where kids can write a perfect essay about Shakespeare but can’t ask someone out on a date without having a panic attack,” said renowned education expert Dr. Irony McParadox. “Approximately 94.3% of teenagers would rather eat their own shoes than make a phone call.”
The curriculum review, which attracted 7,000 responses from concerned educators, parents, and people with way too much time on their hands, is still in progress. Suggestions included reducing exams, improving special needs provision, and the radical concept that perhaps children should learn to string together coherent sentences.
At press time, Prof Becky Francis was reportedly seen frantically Googling “what is oracy” while simultaneously trying to explain to a digital assistant why teaching humans to talk is still relevant in a world where your toaster is smarter than your grandfather.
