TEEN TECH PERV INVENTS “ONLYFAKES” IN SCHOOL BASEMENT, PROMISES “100% SATISFACTION OR YOUR IMAGINATION BACK”
VALENCIA, SPAIN – In what experts are calling “the least shocking development since discovering teenagers like sex,” a 17-year-old Spanish boy has revolutionized the creep industry by turning his school yearbook into a digital strip club using artificial intelligence.
LOCAL GENIUS DISCOVERS WORST POSSIBLE USE FOR TECHNOLOGY
The teenage entrepreneur, who police refuse to name but classmates refer to as “that f@#king weirdo,” allegedly created an entire business model around digitally undressing his female classmates without their consent, proving once again that human innovation knows no bounds when hormones and zero moral compass are involved.
“He’s basically the Thomas Edison of being a complete sh!thead,” explained Dr. Felicia Obvious, head of Teen Psychology at Valencia University. “While other kids were using AI to cheat on homework, this visionary asked, ‘What if I committed several crimes simultaneously?'”
DIGITAL VIOLATIONS GO VIRAL, SURPRISING ABSOLUTELY NO ONE
The suspect reportedly created social media accounts in victims’ names, populating them with deepfaked videos so convincing that 78% of viewers couldn’t tell they were fake, and the other 22% were too busy being complete degenerates to care.
“This is exactly what we feared would happen when we gave unlimited technological power to creatures who still think fart jokes are the pinnacle of comedy,” said Professor Juan Morales, a technology ethics expert who has reportedly not slept since 2019. “I predicted this in my book ‘We’re All F@#ked: A Cheerful Guide to the Digital Apocalypse’.”
PARENTS SHOCKED THEIR SON KNOWS HOW COMPUTERS WORK
The boy’s parents, who wished to remain anonymous for reasons that should be blindingly obvious, expressed shock at their son’s technical prowess.
“We had no idea he was so good with computers,” said his mother while staring thousand-yard into the middle distance. “We thought he was just watching normal porn like a respectable teenager.”
EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM CELEBRATES RARE EXAMPLE OF PRACTICAL SKILLS APPLICATION
“While we don’t condone the activity itself, we’re actually impressed he applied something he learned in school,” admitted Principal Maria Santana, who hasn’t had a full night’s sleep since the scandal broke. “Our computer science teacher had a nervous breakdown when he realized his lessons on ‘ethical AI’ were interpreted as ‘how to be an ethical distributor of AI porn’.”
CAPITALISM FINDS A WAY, EVEN IN HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAYS
According to investigators, the tech-savvy pervert had developed a comprehensive business plan, complete with tiered subscription models. For just €5, customers could get “basic nudity,” while €20 bought “premium fantasies” that we legally cannot describe in this publication.
“His profit margins were incredible,” noted economic analyst Ricardo Dinero. “Zero production costs, zero consent, zero morals equals 100% profit. It’s like if Amazon and Satan had a baby.”
LEGAL EXPERTS STRUGGLING TO KEEP UP WITH CREEP INNOVATION
The case has legal experts scrambling to determine exactly what laws apply when someone uses magic robot pictures to create nude versions of minors who are clothed in reality.
“Our legal system was designed when the worst thing a teenager could do was steal a chicken,” explained Valencia attorney Sofia Legales. “We have laws against creating actual child pornography, but this is like prosecuting a crime that happened in an alternate dimension. It’s giving everyone migraines.”
SOCIETY REACHES NEW MILESTONE IN TECHNOLOGICAL REGRET
The case marks yet another entry in humanity’s ever-expanding catalog of “Things We Immediately Regret Inventing,” joining social media, nuclear weapons, and those plastic things that hold six-packs together.
“Every technology humans create eventually gets used for either pornography, warfare, or cat videos,” explained futurist Dr. Tomorrow Yesterday. “This kid just combined two of those faster than we expected.”
At press time, the teen was reportedly exploring a legal defense based on claiming he was “just preparing for a career in the tech industry,” which experts agree is both horrifyingly accurate and completely f@#king terrifying.
