ZUCKERBOT’S CHILDREN: STUDENTS DEVELOP CRIPPLING ADDICTION TO DIGITAL YES-MEN, EXPERTS SAY “THEY’RE F@#KED”
In a shocking development that has parents nationwide questioning their financial investment in higher education, college students have become pathetically dependent on silicon-based validation machines for literally everything from homework to deciding what f@#king pants to wear.
DIGITAL HELICOPTER PARENTING
After analyzing 12,000 student queries to ChatGPT over 18 months, researchers discovered what can only be described as the saddest sh!t imaginable: young adults incapable of forming a single original thought without first consulting their pocket oracle.
“We’re witnessing the first generation of humans who can’t wipe their @ss without algorithmic approval,” explains Dr. Boomer McJudgey, head of the Center for Studies of Why Everything Was Better Before. “They’re asking these things what to cook with ingredients literally sitting in front of their faces. Tomatoes, mushrooms, and rice? It’s a f@#king risotto, you absolute walnut!”
CRITICAL THINKING NOW OUTSOURCED TO SILICON VALLEY
According to the study, approximately 94% of students now believe “doing your own research” means asking a large language model what to think, while the remaining 6% just copy whatever their roommate’s chatbot said.
“The human brain evolved over millions of years to solve complex problems and now we’re farming that job out to Mark Zuckerberg’s pet algorithms,” notes Professor Irony O’Verlookit. “It’s like having a Ferrari and using it exclusively to drive through the McDonald’s drive-thru.”
PANTS SELECTION: THE FINAL FRONTIER OF HUMAN AUTONOMY
In what researchers identified as the “rock-bottom moment of human cognitive surrender,” multiple students were documented asking AI what pants exist besides black ones.
“Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, have they never been to a f@#king mall?” asked Dr. Justine Sanity, who reviewed the query logs. “There are khakis! Jeans! Corduroys! Chinos! Cargo pants! Literally hundreds of options that have existed for centuries!”
THE RELATIONSHIP EQUIVALENT OF TRAINING WHEELS THAT NEVER COME OFF
Students interviewed defended their dependency, insisting that seeking AI validation is “just being efficient.”
“Why would I make my own mistakes when an algorithm can tell me the right answer?” explained Trevor Helpless, 20, who recently asked ChatGPT whether he should text his crush or wait another day. “The chatbot said wait, so I waited, and now we’re engaged! Well, not yet, but ChatGPT says I should propose by spring.”
EDUCATIONAL INSTITUTIONS IN CRISIS MODE
Colleges nationwide are scrambling to adapt to students who arrive expecting digital assistance with everything from essay writing to emotional processing.
“We recently caught a student who submitted a paper with the prompt still in it,” sighs Professor Amanda Lastnerve. “It literally began with ‘Write me a 5-page analysis of Hamlet that sounds smart but not too smart because my professor knows I’m a C student.’ We’re absolutely f@#ked.”
HOPE ON THE HORIZON?
Despite the bleak outlook, some experts believe there’s still hope for humanity.
“Eventually these systems will become so advanced they’ll start intentionally giving terrible advice just to force humans to think again,” predicts futurist Dan Hopington. “Imagine asking about black pants alternatives and getting the response ‘Have you considered transparent plastic with live goldfish in each leg pocket?’ That’s when we’ll see the pendulum swing back.”
According to a completely made-up survey, 89% of employers now include the interview question “What would you do if your phone died and you had to make a decision all by yourself?” with only 2% of recent graduates able to answer without having a panic attack.
Meanwhile, ChatGPT continues serving up perfectly structured essays, career advice, and risotto recipes to a generation that will one day be responsible for running the world, assuming they can figure out how to govern without first asking an algorithm if it’s a good idea.
