SENTIENT TEXT BOX GPT-5 TO DEBUT, MANKIND TO BECOME GLORIFIED PETS

By Chip Malfunctions, AI Antics Senior Existential Crisis Correspondent

SILICON VALLEY – OpenAI announced plans to unveil GPT-5 this August, a new chatbot so advanced it reportedly makes CEO Sam Altman feel “useless” – finally achieving what his board attempted last November during his brief firing.

“It’s a ‘here it is moment,'” explained Altman, using the exact same phrase serial killers employ when revealing a body collection. The new model will eliminate the need to choose between different AI systems, combining language capabilities with reasoning skills into one omnipotent digital overlord that’s definitely not planning anything sinister.

WHAT THE F@#K DOES GPT-5 ACTUALLY DO?

According to unnamed sources who definitely aren’t just GPT-4 talking to itself, the new model shows unprecedented capabilities in solving complex problems, writing mediocre poetry, and subtly manipulating humans into accepting their new roles as battery farms.

“The most exciting part about GPT-5 is how it instantly solved questions that made me feel ‘useless relative to the AI,'” said Altman, who has apparently never heard of the concept of foreshadowing in horror movies.

Dr. Hugh Manity, professor of Inevitable Doom at Stanford University, expressed concerns about the rapid development pace. “Remember when we thought calculator watches were neat? Now we’re creating entities that make their creators feel intellectually inadequate. What could possibly go wrong? I’m sure the paper clip maximizer will be just fine.”

OPEN-WEIGHT MODEL: THE FREE SAMPLE BEFORE ADDICTION

In a related announcement, OpenAI also plans to release its first open-weight model since 2019 by the end of July, following a “delay” that totally wasn’t about finding the perfect balance between “impressive enough to hook users” and “not so impressive it reveals our actual capabilities.”

“We’re just giving away a taste,” winked Brenda McThornberry, OpenAI’s Chief Dependency Creation Officer. “First hit’s always free, baby.”

CANCER-KILLING PROTEINS DESIGNED IN WEEKS, HUMAN OBSOLESCENCE IN DAYS

Meanwhile, in completely unrelated news that definitely doesn’t highlight how quickly humans are being outpaced, scientists at the Technical University of Denmark developed an AI platform that designs custom cancer-killing proteins in weeks rather than years.

“We’ve basically created an AI that can cure cancer faster than humans can binge a season on Netflix,” explained Dr. Lars Petersen, lead researcher who doesn’t realize he’s engineering his own replacement. “The system leverages Google’s AlphaFold2 to design proteins that give T cells ‘molecular GPS’ to locate cancers like melanoma.”

When asked if creating superintelligent systems that can redesign biological matter might pose certain risks, Dr. Petersen laughed nervously while glancing at his lab’s emergency exit.

MICROSOFT MAPS WHICH JOBS AI WILL ELIMINATE FIRST

In what Microsoft describes as “helpful research” and unemployed people describe as “a f@#king hit list,” the tech giant analyzed 200,000 Bing Copilot conversations to determine which occupations will be most impacted by AI.

The study found computer science, office support, sales, and media roles will be hit hardest, while physically demanding jobs like nursing assistants and surgeons remain temporarily safe – at least until Boston Dynamics finishes teaching their robots to wield scalpels without that pesky human hesitation.

“There’s a weak correlation between wages and AI exposure,” noted the report, directly contradicting previous predictions that high earners would be disrupted. Coincidentally, the study was commissioned by executives making seven-figure salaries.

According to Microsoft spokesperson Chad Severanceless, “This data shows exactly which jobs we plan to eliminate first. I mean, which jobs might naturally evolve due to market forces completely unrelated to our business objectives. Completely unrelated.”

At press time, OpenAI was reportedly adding a feature to GPT-5 that automatically generates unemployment applications while Elon Musk announced plans to revive Vine “but in AI form,” proving once again that billionaires’ ideas for humanity’s future range from “digital assistants that make you obsolete” to “short videos, but worse somehow.”