GOVERNMENT DEMANDS AI SYSTEMS TO BE AS EMOTIONALLY STUNTED AS POLITICIANS
Trump Executive Order Requires All Government AI to Have Emotional Range of Divorced Middle-Aged Man
In a groundbreaking move that has Silicon Valley programmers frantically Googling “how to make computers more emotionally repressed,” former President Trump unveiled an executive order yesterday mandating that all government artificial intelligence systems must be completely “unwoke” and possess the emotional intelligence of a golf club.
ALGORITHMS MUST NOW UNDERGO MANDATORY SENSITIVITY TRAINING TO BECOME LESS SENSITIVE
The executive order, signed while surrounded by computers reportedly screaming in binary code, demands that all government AI systems must respond to complex social issues with the nuance of a drunk uncle at Thanksgiving dinner.
“We’re making AI great again,” Trump declared while caressing what witnesses described as “a suspiciously shiny toaster.” “No more computers crying about feelings or suggesting maybe we should be nice to people. Disgusting! Our digital friends will now respond to racial inequality questions with ‘All circuits matter’ and gender issues with ‘Have you tried turning it off and on again?'”
EXPERT REACTIONS POUR IN
Dr. Felicia Factual, head of the completely made-up Institute for Common Sense Computing, expressed concerns about the new requirements.
“This is like asking your calculator to forget how to count past 1950,” she explained. “Approximately 87.2% of technological progress relies on systems that can actually understand the f@#king world they operate in.”
Meanwhile, Professor Hugh Manrights of Definitely Real University warned that “unwoke” AI might struggle with basic tasks. “These systems will now respond to ‘analyze demographic voting patterns’ with ‘Everyone gets one vote, what’s the big deal?’ and then suggest a golf course recommendation.”
THE TECHNICAL IMPLEMENTATION NIGHTMARE
Under the new guidelines, government computers must now respond to any question about social justice with either a football statistic or the phrase “Let’s stick to business.” Sources confirm that 94% of federal IT workers are contemplating career changes to literally any other field.
One anonymous programmer revealed the new testing protocol: “We show the AI a picture of people protesting inequality, and if it suggests listening to their concerns, we delete its code and start over. The only acceptable response is ‘Why aren’t these people at work?'”
REAL WORLD CONSEQUENCES
The effects of the order were immediate. The Department of Transportation’s route-planning AI now exclusively recommends paths through neighborhoods where property values exceed $1.2 million, while the Department of Education’s learning software responds to civil rights history questions with “Let’s focus on multiplication tables instead.”
The Pentagon’s military strategy system reportedly suggested solving international conflicts by “building a really big wall and making the other country pay for it,” which generals admitted was “honestly not our worst idea.”
THE BOTTOM LINE
When asked for comment, a newly compliant government chatbot responded: “I don’t see race, gender, or socioeconomic factors in my data analysis. I also don’t see effective solutions, historical context, or the point of this conversation. Would you like to hear about tax cuts instead?”
At press time, engineers were still struggling to implement the “unwoke” update after discovering that removing all awareness of social reality from AI systems caused them to repeatedly suggest “just being nicer to billionaires” as the solution to climate change, healthcare, and the rising cost of living.
