EXCLUSIVE: ACTOR TO PORTRAY NARCISSISTIC TECH BILLIONAIRE IN FILM; MUSK DEMANDS TO PLAY HIMSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE
In a move that can only be described as “catastrophically predictable,” Ike Barinholtz has been cast to play world’s richest ego Elon Musk in the upcoming film “Artificial,” a drama about the chaotic firing and rehiring of OpenAI CEO Sam Altman that absolutely nobody asked for but Hollywood is making anyway.
MUSK IMMEDIATELY TWEETS FORTY-SEVEN COMPLAINTS
Sources confirm that upon hearing the casting news, Musk spent sixteen consecutive hours posting increasingly unhinged memes about the decision. “This is LITERAL DEFAMATION,” the billionaire allegedly tweeted at 3:17 AM while sitting on a gold-plated toilet. “I should play myself. And Altman. And possibly the director too.”
Film insiders report that Barinholtz has already begun preparation for the role, which primarily consists of posting increasingly bizarre sh!t online and randomly firing people who make eye contact with him.
PREPARATION INCLUDES MANDATORY TWITTER ADDICTION
“I’ve been practicing by staying awake for 72 straight hours and making impulsive, multi-billion dollar decisions while high on ambien,” Barinholtz told reporters. “Yesterday I tried to buy my neighbor’s goldfish for $44 billion then fired it three weeks later.”
Dr. Ima Notreal, professor of Billionaire Psychology at Completely Made-Up University, explains: “To truly capture Musk’s essence, Barinholtz will need to develop the unique ability to simultaneously be the smartest and dumbest person in any room.”
FILM TO FEATURE SEVENTEEN HOURS OF BOARD MEETINGS
Director Luca Guadagnino promises the film will be “a gripping drama about a bunch of rich tech bros arguing in conference rooms” that audiences will definitely not fall asleep during.
“We’re really focusing on the human element,” Guadagnino explained. “Like how devastating it must feel to be worth only $100 billion instead of $200 billion. It’s practically poverty.”
SUPPORTING CAST INCLUDES ACTUAL CHATBOT
In a bold artistic choice, the role of ChatGPT will be played by an actual AI chatbot that producers say has “more emotional range than half the human actors we auditioned.”
The production has reportedly gone through 57 screenwriters after each one kept adding scenes where Musk accidentally launches himself into space or gets repeatedly kicked in the balls by a robot.
“We’re aiming for historical accuracy,” said fictional producer Terry Madeupman. “Which means 90% of the movie will just be men in hoodies looking concerned at laptops while saying things like ‘the algorithm isn’t converging’ and ‘what if we just add more parameters?'”
ALTMAN INSISTS HE’S “THE COOL ONE”
OpenAI CEO Sam Altman, who will be portrayed by some actor nobody’s bothered to announce yet, has reportedly provided “thousands of hours” of notes to ensure he comes across as “the reasonable, handsome tech genius” rather than “just another socially awkward nerd who stumbled into billions.”
According to an analysis by the Completely Fictional Institute of Film Studies, this will be the first movie in history where 87% of audiences will be rooting for all the main characters to lose.
The film is expected to hit theaters next year, where it will likely make back 0.0002% of what Musk spends on Twitter in a single day before disappearing forever into the void of streaming services nobody subscribes to.
