GULF BILLIONAIRES ANNOUNCE PLAN TO PURCHASE “MORAL BEDROCK” FROM AI COMPANY AT BARGAIN PRICE OF $5 BILLION
In a stunning display of principles being thrown into a wood chipper, AI company Anthropic has apparently discovered that ethical concerns about authoritarian regimes become significantly less concerning when said regimes wave enough cash in your face.
ETHICS NOW AVAILABLE IN CONVENIENT “FLEXIBLE” FORMAT
After years of positioning itself as the ethical backbone of AI development, Anthropic executives have reportedly begun circulating a memo explaining that actually, money from countries with questionable human rights records is totally fine if you squint really hard and look at it sideways.
“We’ve developed a revolutionary new technology that converts moral high ground into liquid assets,” said an unnamed Anthropic executive who requested anonymity because, well, f@#king obviously. “Our proprietary ‘Principles-to-Profit’ algorithm can transform any ethical stance into its cash equivalent in under 24 hours.”
FINANCIAL EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH ABSOLUTELY ZERO SURPRISE
Dr. Sellout McObvious, professor of Predictable Corporate Behavior at Follow-The-Money University, noted this development represents a classic case of “talking the talk until walking the walk requires actual sacrifice.”
“What we’re seeing is a textbook example of ‘ethics washing’ followed by ‘ethics laundering,'” explained McObvious. “First, you position yourself as morally superior to attract talent and positive press, then you quietly replace those ethics with hundred-dollar bills when no one’s looking. Our research shows this strategy works approximately 100% of the time.”
GULF INVESTORS THRILLED TO ADD “ETHICS” TO GROWING PORTFOLIO OF WESTERN ASSETS
Prince Moneybags Al Cashflow, speaking from aboard his 400-foot yacht made entirely of endangered animal pelts, expressed delight at the opportunity to add “Western moral credibility” to his investment portfolio.
“We already own significant stakes in social media companies, sports teams, and various news outlets,” said Al Cashflow. “Adding ‘algorithmic ethics’ to our collection just makes sense. Soon we’ll have the complete set!”
COMPETITORS RUSH TO EXPLAIN WHY THEIR SOUL-SELLING IS DIFFERENT
Other AI companies quickly released statements explaining that when THEY take money from authoritarian regimes, it’s actually part of a complex strategy to promote democratic values through osmosis.
“When WE do it, it’s actually a form of ethical infiltration,” claimed one rival CEO. “By accepting their billions, we’re secretly planting the seeds of democracy through our terms of service agreement that literally no one reads.”
ANTHROPIC UNVEILS NEW CORPORATE VALUES
According to internal documents, Anthropic has updated its mission statement to read: “Building AI that’s safe, beneficial, and funded by literally anyone with a checkbook big enough to make us temporarily blind to their human rights record.”
The company has also introduced a new core value: “Principles are important, but have you SEEN the price of San Francisco real estate lately?”
In related news, 97% of tech workers who previously cited “ethical concerns” as their reason for joining Anthropic have discovered their moral qualms can be effectively treated with stock options and the phrase “competitive compensation package.”
