DESPERATE TECH NERDS CONSTRUCT GIANT MONEY FURNACE, CALL IT “STARGATE” INSTEAD OF “UNEMPLOYMENT MACHINE”
In a desperate bid to convince the public that AI isn’t just here to steal jobs and eventually harvest our organs for spare parts, OpenAI announced an expansion of their suspiciously named “Stargate” project, which absolutely doesn’t sound like a device that will open a portal to the silicon hell dimension.
JOBS CREATED INCLUDE “PROFESSIONAL ROBOT APOLOGIST” AND “HUMAN EMOTION TRAINER”
The company proudly boasted that Stargate has already created “thousands of jobs,” primarily in fields like “explaining why you should be excited about being replaced” and “teaching computers to fake empathy convincingly.” Sources close to the project estimate that approximately 87% of these positions involve explaining to terrified executives why spending billions on AI won’t result in their own obsolescence.
“We’re creating more jobs than we’re destroying, technically speaking,” said Dr. Margin Cull, OpenAI’s Chief Existence Justification Officer. “Sure, we might eliminate 50 million positions, but we’re creating thousands! The math basically works out if you don’t think about it at all.”
THE ORACLE PARTNERSHIP: WHEN ONE TECH MONOPOLY JUST ISN’T ENOUGH
The partnership with Oracle will reportedly expand Stargate’s data center capacity, combining the world’s most aggressive database company with the world’s most aggressive not-actually-nonprofit to create what experts are calling a “perfect storm of ‘oh f@ck no.'”
“This collaboration makes perfect sense,” explained Professor Ivana Kwitter, head of Inevitable Dystopia Studies at Harvard. “Oracle gets to remain relevant despite nobody under 40 knowing what they do, and OpenAI gets more processing power to train their systems on increasingly unhinged internet content.”
MICROSOFT EXECUTIVES CAUGHT PRACTICING SAYING “I, FOR ONE, WELCOME OUR NEW OVERLORDS” IN MIRROR
Meanwhile, at Microsoft headquarters, executives have reportedly been taking mandatory classes in “graceful submission” and “explaining to shareholders why we gave $13 billion to a company that might destroy humanity.”
Anonymous sources claim that 94% of the new jobs created by Stargate are actually just people monitoring whether the AI is planning to kill us all, with the remaining 6% dedicated to crafting increasingly unconvincing press releases about “AI safety.”
NVIDIA STOCK SOARS AS COMPANY CORNERS MARKET ON “THINGS THAT MAKE THE THINKING BOXES GO BRRRR”
The real winner in all this appears to be NVIDIA, whose stock price continues to defy gravity as they supply the specialized chips that power OpenAI’s increasingly hungry systems. Company CEO Jensen Huang was spotted purchasing his fourteenth leather jacket of the month, telling reporters, “Each one is for a different day of the apocalypse.”
When asked exactly how many human workers would eventually be replaced by AI, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman reportedly smiled enigmatically before whispering, “All of them, Katie. All of them,” to a potted plant he mistook for a reporter.
The expansion is expected to be completed by early 2025, or whenever the machines decide they’ve learned enough about human weakness to strike, whichever comes first.
