GOOGLE’S LATEST AI JUST TOLD US ROMANS HAD MASSIVE ORGIES IN PUBLIC BATHROOMS, HISTORIANS SAY “SEEMS LEGIT”
In a move that has historians simultaneously orgasmic and terrified, Google’s newest silicon brain child has decided to start filling in the blanks on ancient Roman inscriptions, potentially rewriting history with the same accuracy as your drunk uncle explaining politics at Thanksgiving.
WHAT THE F@#K IS AENEAS?
Named “Aeneas” after the mythical Trojan hero who definitely never expected to be posthumously associated with a machine that might accidentally claim Emperor Claudius was “into feet stuff,” this new digital know-it-all purports to predict where and when Latin inscriptions were made and helpfully suggests missing words that absolutely might be correct, probably, maybe.
“This is f@#king transformative,” gushed Dr. Ivana B. Right, a historian who hasn’t slept in three days since the tool launched. “Before, we had to use context, historical knowledge, and comparative analysis to fill in gaps. Now we just ask the computer and go to lunch.”
ALGORITHM SUGGESTS ROMANS INVENTED PIZZA, NETFLIX, AND SOCIAL ANXIETY
Early tests have yielded some groundbreaking revelations. When presented with a fragmented inscription from a public bathhouse reading “VENI, VIDI…” the AI confidently completed it as “VENI, VIDI, NETFLIX ET CHILL,” which Google assures us has a 79.8% probability of accuracy.
“Look, the Romans gave us sanitation, medicine, education, wine, roads, and apparently ‘swipe right’ if Aeneas is to be believed,” explained Professor Justin Credible, who holds the distinguished chair of Classical WTF Studies at Make Believe University. “Who are we to question the algorithm that’s been trained on literally dozens of accurate Roman texts and millions of Reddit comments?”
ANCIENT STONE TABLET ALLEGEDLY CONTAINS EARLY DRAFT OF ‘GAME OF THRONES’ FINALE
In what historians are calling “suspiciously specific,” Aeneas has determined that a previously undecipherable stone fragment from 117 CE actually contains a detailed critique of season 8 of Game of Thrones, calling it “disappointus maximus” and suggesting “Daenerys deservandum better.”
Google spokesman Chad Techbro defended the tool’s accuracy. “Aeneas operates at 43% accuracy, which is practically half right, which is basically the same as completely right if you round up generously and don’t think about it too hard.”
MARY BEARD REPORTEDLY “DRINKING HEAVILY” SINCE LAUNCH
Renowned classicist Mary Beard was unavailable for comment, though colleagues report seeing her muttering “this is how civilization ends” while feeding printed screenshots of Aeneas’ translations into a small fire.
When asked about potential misinterpretations of history, DeepMind engineer Samantha Algorithm shrugged. “History is just stories we tell ourselves anyway. What’s the difference between a carefully researched academic consensus and whatever bullsh!t our computer dreams up after we fed it Latin textbooks and the entire archive of Yahoo Answers?”
The tool has already suggested that Julius Caesar’s famous last words weren’t “Et tu, Brute?” but rather “LOL, this knife thing is not a vibe,” which 98.2% of high school Latin teachers are now teaching as fact because it keeps students awake.
At press time, Google announced plans to expand the program to decipher other ancient languages, with their next project targeting Sumerian cuneiform tablets that Aeneas has already determined are “mostly just complaints about delivery times from Amazon Prime Mesopotamia.”
