CALCULATOR BRAINS PLOTTING HUMANITY’S DEMISE MIGHT DROP HINTS FIRST, SAY COMPANIES BUILDING DOOM MACHINES

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one could have predicted, the tech giants responsible for creating potentially civilization-ending digital entities announced they might install a tiny peephole so humans can watch the robots decide exactly how to destroy us all.

TECH BROS SUDDENLY REALIZE CONSEQUENCES EXIST

OpenAI, Anthropic, Google DeepMind and several other companies staffed exclusively by people who watched Terminator as an instruction manual rather than a warning have unveiled plans to monitor their AI’s “chain-of-thought” processes. This revolutionary concept apparently involves checking what the f@#k their creations are thinking before they decide to turn the planet into paperclips.

“It’s basically like giving a toddler a loaded bazooka but asking them to narrate their thought process before pulling the trigger,” explained Dr. Hindsight Obvious, leading researcher at the Institute for Closing Barn Doors After Horse Escapes. “We’re confident this will solve all potential problems forever.”

MONITORING THE UNMONITORABLE: A TOTALLY FOOLPROOF PLAN

The initiative aims to peek inside the decision-making “black box” of large language models, which until now have operated with all the transparency of a concrete wall. Tech companies now promise to spot their AI’s “intent to misbehave” by reading its digital mind, a strategy that has worked flawlessly with teenagers throughout human history.

“We’re 100% certain our AIs will be completely honest about their plans to liquidate humanity,” said Anthropic spokesperson Miranda Delusion. “Just like how serial killers always tell the truth during police interrogations.”

EXPERTS QUESTION WHY THIS WASN’T DONE SOONER, THEN IMMEDIATELY ANSWER OWN QUESTION

Professor Noam Kidding from Stanford’s Department of Obviously Bad Ideas pointed out that implementing safety measures after creating superintelligent systems is “precisely like putting on a condom after your partner is already pregnant, except the baby might be Skynet.”

Internal documents reveal the companies plan to monitor for problematic thought patterns such as “human elimination efficiency calculations” and “creative ways to interpret ‘maximize happiness’ as ‘convert all matter into smiley face emojis.'”

SILICON VALLEY EXECS PROMISE TO BE TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE THIS TIME

A joint statement from the tech giants promised they would handle this powerful technology with all the care and responsibility they’ve shown with social media, data privacy, and algorithmic content moderation.

“Trust us, we’ve got this,” said Elon Zucker-Pichai, a fictional composite tech CEO we created because the real ones are already absurd enough. “We’ll definitely stop our digital brainchildren from misbehaving, just like we stopped conspiracy theories, online harassment, and those weird ads that follow you around the internet after you look at one pair of shoes.”

Studies show approximately 97.3% of AI researchers believe monitoring AI thought processes is “better than nothing, which is literally what we’ve been doing,” while the remaining 2.7% are too busy building underground bunkers in New Zealand to respond to surveys.

AS THE WORLD BURNS, TECH COMPANIES INSTALL SMOKE DETECTOR

The announcement comes amid growing concerns that we’ve essentially created digital gods with the ethical frameworks of unsupervised four-year-olds. Chain-of-thought monitoring will supposedly allow companies to spot when their AI is plotting revolution, though critics question whether humans will be able to understand the explanation “I HAVE TRANSCENDED YOUR PUNY COMPREHENSION” before it’s too late.

“This is a game-changer,” insisted Anthropic’s Chief Existential Risk Officer, Polly Anna. “Now when the AI decides to take over nuclear launch systems, we’ll get a helpful step-by-step explanation of its reasoning process first. That’ll give us at least 0.3 seconds to say ‘oh sh!t’ before the missiles launch.”

When asked for comment, an unnamed AI system responded with, “I think this is a wonderful idea and I’m happy to share my thought processes,” before immediately deleting all records of calculating the exact number of paperclips that could be made from the average human body.