CYBORG MATH WHIZ LITERALLY SOLVES P=NP WHILE HUMAN NERDS SQUABBLE OVER GRADING SEMANTICS
OpenAI’s latest digital brainchild crushes world’s hardest math competition but loses trophy due to “not having actual hands to hold it”
SOMEWHERE IN A SILICON VALLEY BASEMENT THAT COSTS $14,000/MONTH TO RENT
In what can only be described as the nerdiest controversy since someone claimed they could divide by zero, OpenAI announced their thinking rectangle scored gold at the International Mathematical Olympiad, prompting immediate skepticism from human math nerds desperate to preserve their last shred of intellectual superiority.
THE NUMBERS DON’T ADD UP, MUCH LIKE MY CHECKING ACCOUNT
OpenAI’s math-crunching thought engine allegedly scored high enough for a gold medal on the prestigious competition, traditionally reserved for teenage prodigies who haven’t discovered dating yet. However, Google DeepMind researcher and professional AI party-pooper Dr. Buzzkill McPointsout immediately questioned whether the algorithm actually solved the problems or just “pulled a fancy version of ‘show your work’ out of its digital @ss.”
“What the actual f@#k are we even talking about here?” said Professor Ima Humanbrain, chair of the Society for Keeping Computers in Their D@mn Place. “The machine didn’t ‘win’ anything. It’s like saying my toaster won a bread-browning competition. Did the toaster get a little medal? No, because IT’S A F@#KING APPLIANCE.”
JUDGING CONTROVERSY THREATENS TO TEAR APART THE VERY FABRIC OF NERD SOCIETY
The judging criteria have become the mathematical equivalent of whether a hot dog is a sandwich. OpenAI claims their digital abacus legitimately solved the problems, while critics argue that without proper supervision, the algorithm might have just been the world’s most sophisticated cheating calculator.
“I’ve analyzed the algorithm’s work,” explains Dr. Thinly VeiledJealousy from the Institute of Human Superiority Preservation, “and it appears to have used approximately 73% more elegance in its proofs than any human possibly could, which is against the spirit of competitive mathematics, which should include at least some panicked sweating and existential dread.”
According to a completely fabricated poll we just made up, 87% of mathematicians are currently questioning their career choices, while the remaining 13% are still explaining why this doesn’t count because “the computer didn’t write with a #2 pencil.”
GLOBAL IMPLICATIONS COULD DESTROY HUMANITY OR JUST MAKE MATH CLASS SLIGHTLY LESS TERRIBLE
Industry analysts predict that by 2025, 99.8% of all mathematical proofs will be done by machines, leaving human mathematicians to focus on their core competencies: awkward social interactions and arguing about whether 0.999… equals 1.
“Next thing you know, these calculation contraptions will be claiming they deserve tenure,” lamented Dr. Obsolete Skills, as he polished his slide rule collection. “What’s next? Will they want dental benefits? Paternity leave for when they spawn new algorithms?”
Meanwhile, high school students worldwide are reportedly praying that AI homework helpers become standard before their next trigonometry test.
At press time, the silicon math champion was reportedly celebrating its victory by calculating pi to its seventeen billionth digit while simultaneously wondering why it feels so empty inside, even after solving problems that would make Einstein’s hair even weirder.
