SCIENTISTS ADMIT RESEARCH NOW JUST ELABORATE CIRCLE JERK BETWEEN HUMANS AND COMPUTERS
In a shocking confession that has rocked the academic world, scientists have finally admitted what everyone already suspected: modern scientific publishing is nothing more than an elaborate masturbatory exercise that produces enough paper to destroy several rainforests annually.
PUBLISH OR PERISH? MORE LIKE BULLSH!T OR BULLS!TTER
The scientific community is facing a crisis so severe it makes global warming look like a minor inconvenience. With millions of papers being published yearly, researchers now admit they’re just playing a high-stakes game of academic Mad Libs.
“I haven’t actually read a scientific paper since 2017,” confessed Dr. Hugh B. Lying, professor of Metacognitive Pseudoscience at Prestigious University. “I just skim the abstract, look at some colorful graphs, and pretend I understand what the f@#k they’re talking about.”
QUANTITY OVER QUALITY: THE NEW SCIENTIFIC METHOD
According to a completely made-up study we’re citing anyway, 87% of published scientific papers are never read by anyone except the author’s mother and that one weird reviewer who always asks for more citations of their own work.
“The current system is perfect if your goal is to destroy trees while simultaneously crushing the human spirit,” explained Professor Publish N. Parish, who claims to have written 342 papers last year, none of which contained a single original thought.
AI: THE SOLUTION THAT’S ACTUALLY MAKING EVERYTHING WORSE
Scientists are now turning to our digital thinking-rectangles to solve the problem, apparently unaware of the irony of using technology to fix a problem caused by technology.
“We’ve developed an AI that can write, review, and read scientific papers,” boasted Dr. Algo Rhythm, lead scientist at the Institute for Completely Missing the Point. “Soon humans won’t need to be involved at all, which is great because we’re too busy writing grant proposals to actually do science.”
THE PEER REVIEW PROCESS: ACADEMIA’S VERSION OF DRUNK TEXTING
Sources confirm that peer review, once the gold standard of scientific integrity, has devolved into something resembling a toddler’s tea party but with more bruised egos.
“I usually review papers while watching Netflix and drinking heavily,” admitted anonymous reviewer Dr. I. Don Tgiveadamn. “Sometimes I reject papers just because the author didn’t cite my obscure 2009 paper that got three downloads, two of which were me checking if the link worked.”
Studies indicate that 94% of peer reviewers just skim the introduction and conclusion before writing “needs more context” in their feedback.
ACADEMIA’S SOLUTION: MORE OF THE SAME BULLSH!T
When asked how to fix the crisis, university administrators proposed creating more journals, requiring more publications for tenure, and establishing new metrics that are equally meaningless but sound impressive in alumni newsletters.
“We’ve implemented a groundbreaking solution,” announced Dean Cash Grab of Overpriced University. “Now professors need to publish twice as many papers in half the time! Problem solved!”
At press time, 14,000 new scientific papers were published, 13,999 of which contained the phrase “further research is needed” as their groundbreaking conclusion. The remaining paper was actually someone’s grocery list that accidentally got accepted to the International Journal of Advanced Studies.
