TECH GIANT’S “GROUNDBREAKING INNOVATION” JUST COPYING APPLE AGAIN, SURPRISING F@#KING NO ONE
In what industry analysts are calling “the least shocking announcement since water was found to be wet,” Google has confirmed plans to merge Android and ChromeOS into one operating system, primarily because Apple did it first and appeared successful.
DESPERATE TECH GIANT STILL LOOKING FOR IDENTITY AFTER 25 YEARS
Google’s Android president Sameer Samat announced the merger with the corporate enthusiasm of a hostage reading demands, claiming it would “make your laptop + phone work better together.” Translation: “Apple’s doing it and our board members are panicking.”
Internal documents reveal Google executives spent approximately 47 seconds contemplating original ideas before someone shouted “Just do whatever Tim Cook did last quarter!” The room reportedly erupted in applause and high-fives.
“This revolutionary step forward is absolutely not a desperate attempt to remain relevant by copying our competitor’s homework and changing just enough words to avoid detection,” said Google’s Chief Innovation Mimicker, Dr. Lacka Originality. “We’re simply recognizing that the best way to innovate is to wait for someone else to take all the risks, then claim we planned it all along.”
USERS THRILLED TO HAVE TWICE THE BUGS IN HALF THE OPERATING SYSTEMS
According to a completely fabricated survey, 94% of Google users are “beyond excited” to experience new and creative ways for their devices to malfunction simultaneously rather than independently.
“I’ve always thought, ‘Gee, when my phone crashes, I wish my laptop would also become unresponsive,'” said Absolutely Nobody Ever, a longtime Google user. “This merger is answering prayers I never actually prayed.”
Tech analyst Miranda Obvious noted, “By combining two mediocre operating systems, Google has mathematically proven that two wrongs do, in fact, make another wrong.”
SHAREHOLDERS RELIEVED COMPANY FINALLY ABANDONING ORIGINAL THOUGHT ALTOGETHER
Wall Street responded positively to the announcement, with Google stock rising 0.4% on the news that the company would stop wasting resources on innovation.
“Original ideas are expensive and risky,” explained financial analyst Warren Buffering. “Google has finally embraced its true identity as Apple’s slightly slower, significantly less cool younger sibling who wears hand-me-down business strategies.”
The merger will reportedly be completed “whenever Apple releases their next OS update so we can see what features to include.”
GOOGLE PROMISES SEAMLESS TRANSITION THAT WILL ONLY REQUIRE 19 FACTORY RESETS
Google engineers promise the transition will be “smoother than a freshly waxed dolphin,” requiring only “minimal data loss” and “no more than two dozen mandatory account verifications.”
“We’re committed to creating an ecosystem exactly like Apple’s, except with more ads and fewer features people actually want,” said Vice President of Strategic Copycatting, Ima Plagiarist.
At press time, Google was reportedly already working on their next groundbreaking innovation: a revolutionary rectangular device with a screen that does things when you touch it, expected to launch approximately six months after Apple’s next product announcement.
