ZUCKERBERG TO BUILD DATA CENTER THE SIZE OF MANHATTAN, COMPENSATING FOR SOMETHING ELSE THE SIZE OF A PEANUT
In what experts are calling “digital d!ck-measuring at its finest,” Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced plans to construct a data center roughly the size of Manhattan, presumably because his actual Manhattan-sized ambitions couldn’t fit in his regular-sized human body.
TOTALLY NECESSARY INFRASTRUCTURE OR MIDLIFE CRISIS?
The tech billionaire, whose personality has all the warmth and charisma of a dehumidifier, proclaimed that Meta would spend “hundreds of billions” of dollars on developing artificial intelligence products. This figure, coincidentally, matches the exact amount needed to solve world hunger sixteen times over, fix America’s infrastructure twice, or buy everyone on Earth a decent sandwich.
“This is absolutely necessary for the future of humanity,” said Zuckerberg, while definitely not thinking about competing with other tech bros who might have bigger data centers than him. “We need processing power the size of an entire borough of New York City to help people… um… post better cat videos and track their every movement more efficiently.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, UNFORTUNATELY
Dr. Hugh Jassumption, Professor of Unnecessary Tech Bullsh!t at Silicon Valley University, explained the significance: “When your company is hemorrhaging users to TikTok and your metaverse looks like a Nintendo Wii game from 2006, the only logical solution is to build a data center visible from space.”
Financial analyst Emma Roided added, “Meta’s strategy is brilliantly simple: spend so much f@#king money that shareholders are too confused to ask questions. It’s like setting your house on fire to avoid cleaning your bathroom.”
ASTRONOMICAL COSTS THAT MAKE SENSE ONLY TO BILLIONAIRES
The project’s budget could alternatively fund:
– Healthcare for 37 million Americans
– College education for 2.8 million students
– 12 missions to Mars
– 4 billion therapy sessions for Zuckerberg to discuss why he needs to build something this goddamn big
Meanwhile, Meta continues to offer competitive salaries to top AI researchers, with some packages reportedly reaching $100 million, or roughly what the average American would earn if they started working when dinosaurs roamed the Earth and continued until the sun explodes.
ENVIRONMENTAL CONCERNS DISMISSED WITH TRADEMARK TECH ARROGANCE
When questioned about the environmental impact of a facility that will consume roughly the same electricity as Portugal, Meta spokesperson Watt R. Youthinking responded: “We’re very committed to sustainability, which is why we’ll plant a tree for every billion kilowatts we use. Also, have you considered that maybe Portugal uses too much electricity? Ever think about that?”
LOCAL RESIDENTS THRILLED TO BE NEIGHBORS WITH HUMMING MONSTROSITY
Residents near the proposed site are reportedly “absolutely f@#king ecstatic” about living next to a facility that will emit the same noise as 10,000 vacuum cleaners running simultaneously.
“I always wanted my property value to plummet while simultaneously being unable to sleep,” said nearby homeowner Sarah Nosleepton. “This is a dream come true, if by ‘dream’ you mean ‘nightmare I can’t wake up from because of the constant humming.'”
In related news, Zuckerberg has reportedly ordered engineers to ensure the data center can be seen from space, just in case aliens need to know who has the biggest… data center in the solar system.
