FORMER PRESIDENT SUGGESTS TRAINING AI ON CRUDE OIL INSTEAD OF DATA, PROMISES “SUPER SLICK” RESULTS
PITTSBURGH, PA – In a move that has left scientists questioning their career choices, former President Donald Trump unveiled a groundbreaking $70 billion plan to make artificial intelligence run on fossil fuels, declaring that “clean electrons are for losers” at Tuesday’s AI and Energy Summit.
EXPERTS WARN OF POTENTIAL “INTELLIGENCE SPILLS”
Trump, flanked by oil executives whose smiles could power small cities, proposed what he called “the most beautiful marriage” between technology and fossil fuels, suggesting that the next generation of thinking machines should be “absolutely dripping with American crude.”
“We’re going to make AI great again by pumping it full of the finest petroleum products,” Trump told the audience of nodding tech billionaires and oil barons. “People say you need electricity for computers. Wrong! So wrong. What you need is that black gold, that Texas tea. AI powered by windmills? Give me a f@#king break.”
Dr. Gus Guzzler, chief innovation officer at PetroTech Solutions and definitely not a fictional person we made up, enthusiastically endorsed the plan. “By injecting crude oil directly into server farms, we’ve seen a 400% increase in what we’re calling ‘fossil intelligence.’ Sure, there’s a 900% increase in server fires, but that’s just the AI getting energized.”
RENEWABLE ENERGY ADVOCATES TOLD TO “GO HUG A SOLAR PANEL”
Climate activists who gathered outside the event were dismissed by summit organizers as “sad electron-huggers” with “no appreciation for the aesthetic beauty of oil slicks.”
The plan calls for replacing 87% of the nation’s clean energy infrastructure with what Trump described as “gorgeous oil derricks” that would feed directly into data centers. According to completely fabricated statistics we’re presenting as fact, this could increase carbon emissions by “a really terrific amount” while creating “so many jobs for coal miners to shovel coal directly into laptop computers.”
Professor Ima Skeptic from the Institute of Basic Common Sense pointed out potential flaws in the strategy. “You can’t actually run computers on crude oil. That’s not how any of this works. What the actual sh!t is happening right now?”
SILICON VALLEY RESPONDS WITH PETROLEUM-INFUSED PRODUCTS
Tech companies have reportedly already begun developing new petroleum-compatible products, including the “iCrude” data storage system that stores information in tiny oil droplets and the “PetroProcessor” that requires hourly crude oil changes.
Elon Musk, who attended the summit via a hologram projected from what he claimed was “Mars but actually looked suspiciously like his basement,” announced plans to create “OilX,” a new AI company that would combine “the thinking power of machines with the slippery ethics of the fossil fuel industry.”
According to summit materials, 98.7% of all future AI decisions will be optimized to conclude that climate change is “totally overblown” and that pipelines are “basically nature’s veins.”
At press time, three server facilities had already exploded in trial runs of the new “crude computing” approach, which Trump described as “just the system warming up to achieve maximum intelligence potential.”
